A moral alignment ranking of Cambridge college rowing blade designs

How can you possibly scream ‘Take a look XXXX!’ without recognising the crew you are shouting at? Unless they are completely clad head-to-toe in club stash (you know who I’m talking about) or blinding all other river users in a brightly coloured Stämpfli (@Lucy Cav @Churchill), the best way to identify a crew is via their spoon designs. No one asked me to write this, but this knowledge has been graciously bestowed upon me (by me) and the end-of-term high I’m currently riding has made me so inclined as to share this information. (Note these do not reflect the clubs themselves, purely the design found on CUCBC).

Lawful Good – Homerton, Peterhouse, Downing        

These are classy, elegant and sophisticated. Not much else to say tbh, keep up the good work.

Neutral Good – Lady Margaret (St John’s), Corpus Christi, Caius

Again, these are quite nice to look at, and the brighter colours make them more distinctive, but they haven’t been too outlandish in their efforts.

Chaotic Good – Christ’s, St Catherine’s, King’s

This shade of purple doesn’t do justice to the absolute grape that is a King’s blade, and personally I’m not so much a fan of the wheel on the blade (keep it more geometric, pls). But all in all, these designs haven’t gone too far wrong.

Lawful Neutral – Queen’s, Newnham, Magdalene, Hugh’s Hall

These are quite easy on the eye, but not particularly striking. Potentially easy to miss on the Cam, but makes it much easier to sneak up on other crews and give them a bump.

True Neutral – Murray Edwards, First and Third (Trinity), Trinity Hall

Is ‘neutral’ just a metaphor for ‘a tiny bit boring’… I couldn’t possibly say. 2.5/5

Chaotic Neutral – Robinson, Wolfson, Lucy Cavendish, Anglia Ruskin

Literally Robinson and Wolfson, it’s not even that bad, it’s just that they’re basically the same, so no points for uniqueness. I’m also struggling to see what the triangle can do that a stripe can’t do?

Lawful Evil – Churchill, Sidney Sussex, Clare, Jesus

I see the effort that went into these, but they make me a little uneasy for no particular reason. Churchill and Clare, I like the simplicity of the block colour, but so bright? At 6:30 in the morning? Help a girl out.

True Evil – Darwin, Emmanuel, St Edmund’s, Pembroke

There’s even more going on here, and some of it is kinda crazy due to the mad colour choices; Darwin has maybe too many colours, and Eddies maybe not enough. But the shapes are reasonable enough.

Chaotic Evil – Girton, Clare Hall, Selwyn, Fitzwilliam

I am formally requesting Girton and Clare Hall to rethink their colour palettes (although I do like the Clare Hall yellow, black and red striped hats) and pick a lane. Selwyn – I’ve never been a great admirer of yellow and white. Fitz is here because I swear their blades literally aren’t grey but are in fact white with some sort of design? I have no idea what’s going on and that’s why they are chaotic evil.

All I have left to say is: please do not contact me further about this as I am not willing to defend my actions. See you all on the river xoxo

Image credits: CUCBC

Feature image credits: Geograph via Creative Commons Licence

Related articles recommended by the author:

• The highlights and lowlights of Cambridge Lent Bumps 2024, as told by Rowbridge posts
• Falling in the Cam: Why are so many college rowers capsizing? 
• Everything you need to know about Cambridge’s Reclaim the Night 2024