How to fit in at Uni of Nottingham: A guide from your friends at Trent

It’s no secret that there’s a rivalry between Nottingham and Trent. We’re completely different people stuffed together in one beautiful city, I mean they even make sure our nights out are separate. So, here’s our illustrated guide on how to fit in at Uni Of.

Step 1

Lose your regional accent

We’ll have no dropping of “h’s” here. A good amount of Uni Of students will have had a better education than lowly Trent students. BBC English is a must if you want to fit in seamlessly amongst all the Francesca’s and Hugo’s. Try especially hard if you’re from Birmingham, and say “yah” excessively.

Step 2

Change your wardrobe

You have two choices here: continue the Jack Will’s tirade of your mid-teens, or go to the dirtiest vintage shop you can find, and buy whatever looks wavy enough. Wavy garms are a must for events like Wigflex, Caramello, and Cirque (don’t forget your crochet crop top and facial glitter, girls!), but you won’t feel out of place at Crisis wearing a nice Ralph shirt.

Step 3

Learn your chants

Remember, everyone at Trent has a dad that works for your dad, or your parents pay for their benefits. They may have a better nightlife, but you got into the Russell Group uni; and probably have a grad scheme already waiting for you in the City. Trent on the other hand, well whilst you’re trying to assimilate – they’re all from council estates and only achieved E grades at A Level, okay?

Step 4

Get the house in Lenton

Nowhere in Nottingham is as good as Derby Road. The house parties are “absolutely boss bro”, someone’s parents will be paying for all the booze and your housemate’s friend’s brother knows someone with a Soundcloud account so the music’s sorted. Don’t forget your parking permit for the 15 plate Fiat 500. Try and dabble with narcotics, act totally bait when picking up and make a massive point of telling everyone how much you “looooooove” MD.

Step 5

Infiltrate the neighbours

An essential way to bond with your new “Unaaaay” neighbours is with cheese and wine evenings, remember to smell the wine first, let the flavours envelop your senses and you’re in. You’re a cultured individual now – nuggets and Glen’s won’t do you any favours. Topics of conversation possibly covered: your families gîte in the South of France, skiing in the Rockies, and how well you placed in dressage. Whatever you do, do not serve mild cheddar and make sure to take the Lidl stickers off’.

Step 6

Refine your taste in obscure music

You hated techno music before you came to uni, but your neighbour has a set of decks and a strobe and you want them to think you’re cool. So you don the gear and ready yourself for a night of chokers (see step 2), wet shoes and lollipops at Brickworks. The toilets are awfully frightful, but bat your false lashes at Charlie in the smoking area, and he might give you an ironic roll-up, even though he can afford straights.

Step 7

Paddle in the Ocean

Its Friday so its Ocean – no questions asked. Have a noncommittal attitude towards fancy dress, that’s not the aim of the game here – you save that for 7 Legged. Act like you’ve never tried a VK in your life, go for Orange and Passionfruit, you basic bitch – and ready yourself for a familiar night of snogs, sweat and Baywatch, minus Rugby lads dressed in giant nappies. Keep it quiet that Trent Ocean is better – what they don’t know won’t hurt them.

Step 8

Embrace Lidl and Sainsbury’s

Aldi isn’t all that close to our friends across the city, but they do have Lidl by Jubilee campus. Expect to do your shop after gym and find nothing there till the following Monday, or just pop in to a Sainsbury’s Local of your choice in Lenton.

Step 9

Accept that Mooch is as good as it gets

No Quids In for you. Uni Of don’t even have their own club. You will begrudgingly have to learn to live without Saturday’s at the SU. They may as well live on Brackenhurst, and this is why come Saturday so many Uni Of students go to Trent SU. If this ever occurs, remember to gloat at any Trent student you come across whilst taking advantage of the crazy drinks deals.

Step 10

Enjoy the luxury of a campus university

Let’s face it, University Park is hella pretty and even is Jubilee if you kind of ignore some of the strange buildings, so this step is probably the easiest. Enjoy the food hall selection of Portland (Trent doesn’t even have a pizza meal deal place any more), and the possibility of spending first years in halls catered. You’ll become a passive smoker every time you go in Hallward library, but Boots has probably prepared you for that anyway.