What it’s like to brave a night out in Epsom

Let’s get one thing straight; if you’re from Epsom and you have “South London” in your twitter bio after shopping in Sutton a couple of times, your friends from home are judging you.

If you’ve not been on a night out in Epsom before, you may be fooled into thinking the town is inhabited only by geriatrics and footballers, but there are some young people still here. So, if you find yourself in Epsom (firstly, my apologies) where can you go?

Spoons

Oh Spoons, my heart belongs to you. Spoons is never going to do you wrong, no matter where you are. The Assembly Rooms is the social hub of Epsom, whatever your age. You’ll most likely be served by that guy that kicked you out of the bathrooms while you were hiding there to avoid being ID’d five years ago. Don’t forget about the rotating door of fresh 18-year olds visiting spoons after years of drinking in Rosebery park.

Friendly locals cracking open a cold one with the lads

Elements, now Fever and Boutique

Maybe it's the 1p entrance fee, the £1 drinks, or the velvet seats and plastic chandeliers, but for some reason this club has actually taken off in Epsom! Fever is for the people who were pre-ing at Spoons for PRYZM in Kingston but during their eighth drink they realise the 418 bus journey doesn’t sound too tempting.

Whatever you think of Fever, anything is an improvement on Elements. You’d battle the queues that start at 10pm, get overpriced Sourz and watch your best mate neck on with her ex from sixth form. Fever has attempted to give an air of class to clubbing in Epsom- after a few too many times of being rejected at the door you realise you should probably stop wearing trainers on nights out.

Faraday

Ey, we all love a bit of the Faraday on a Thursday night- the drinks are half price and watching the karaoke is priceless. Just avoid being talked into stumbling over to the microphone to belt out Adele when you’ve had a bottle or two. I promise you’ll regret it when you wake up and watch the snapchats on Friday morning.

After one too many rum and cokes

Boogie Lounge

You didn't get let in to Fever, did you?

Slug and lettuce

A classic, Slug and Lettuce is home to average half price cocktails, every day of the week. Good for pretending to be classy on a budget.

Epsom Downs

Last but not least, everyone knows what happens on Derby Day. You’re young and dumb, so you and your equally young and dumb friends down some cheap vodka. There's always that friend who ends up getting their stomach pumped before the races even start. When all is done you might wait on the street with whatever cheap cider you have convinced some old creep to buy you from the local shop, and wave as old Queenie is driven home from a civilised day at the races- this is what it means to be British.

Although you won't have the wildest night of your life in Epsom, you'll still have a laugh and a cheap drink, which is all you can ask for really. If your tastes are a little more refined, London is a quick train journey away. Just make sure you end your night before the last train home.

Related stories recommended by this writer:

● A look at some of Nottingham’s best pubs

● Here are five of the best pubs around Strand to help you forget about the stress of uni lyfe

● The Tab Guide to the Best Pubs in Edinburgh