‘What would a pinecone feel like up my arse?’: Christmas overheard on campus

A chill in the air, tinsel in the SU, and shockingly we’ve actually had some snow this December. It must be Christmas time.

And while we’re all really looking froward to going home to a house with working central heating and a full fridge, there’s been just enough time to overhear some festive student gossip. We’re sure it’ll get you in that Christmas spirit.

Some of it is charming and tragically relatable:

“At least my eggnog latte might make me feel better about wasting nine grand.”

“Campus? What’s that? Will have had lectures in person three times this term.”

And some of it less so…

“I’m really not interested in eating anything but Gregg’s festive bakes from now until January.”

Students are getting on with their Christmas shopping, which seems to be going well.

“My boyfriend’s main hobby right now is lying down so I’ve got him a remote control helicopter so he won’t have to move to use it. Oh and I’ve got him some boutique vape flavours.”

“My Aunt asked what I wanted for Christmas, and I didn’t know what to tell her. I just googled ‘toys for men’ but, um, that didn’t show me what I was looking for.”

“Tell my Dad I cannot get another puppy for Christmas. I’m serious!”

“It’ll just go on mummy’s plastic anyway.”

Students are getting into their Christmas traditions, including some we’ve never heard of before.

“Have you not even got any pitta bread and hummus?”

“Mate just pretend it’s not piss. Pretend it’s apple juice and it goes down so much easier.”

“I’ve just spent the day on the slopes” in a conversation about the hill in the Town Moor.

Some of these essential traditions may be less accessible than certain people realise.

“Don’t tell me you’ve never been skiing? Seriously?”

“Have you bought the canapés for the motive tonight?”

And a question we’ve all found ourselves asking frequently on any given day

“Has Bertie plucked that pheasant yet?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Christmas can also be a beautiful time to kindle new romance, which has had students making these questionable statements:

“What would a pinecone feel like up my arse?”

“I’m hanging mistletoe above my bed in case anyone comes into my room.”

“Until I can commit to being really into anal, I can’t get that tattoo.”

“I just always like to get a boyfriend around Christmas. I don’t even have to like him.”

“It’s impossible to date men in this city. If you find a guy who’s not racist here it’s like you’ve hit the jackpot and if you want them to also not be sexist, you might as well give up.”

The end of this term also brings the usual difficulties. Deadlines, coursework, exam revision. Or even worse:

“Can’t believe I haven’t had champers in over a month.”

“Master’s applications are way too hard. Why can’t I just sleep with some old man for a place, like in the good old days?”

Some people, however, are still struggling to get into the seasonal spirit.

“I’m a grinch and I like it. Leave me alone.”

“Any more Christmas music in the supermarkets and I’m going to start driving up to farms myself.”

“We’re not getting a tree, they’re only for women.”

We can’t believe toxic masculinity can mess up even Christmas but if you’re one of the men in Newcastle secure enough in your masculinity to enjoy a harmless bit of fun and decoration, we hope you’re full of festive cheer. To everyone else that celebrates we hope you enjoy your break from uni and have a merry Christmas!