Dry humping, pillowtalk and Brexit: What to expect when sleeping with each college boy at Lancs uni

There are nine colleges on campus, and sleeping with someone from each college is an admirable qualification if you're at Lancs Uni.

In this completely scientific and well-researched investigation, we're here to tell you exactly which college boy is worth your time in the bedroom. Thank us later.

County

Of course he's from county. There's no suprise to pulling a county lad, they're constantly on the pull. The confidence that county boys hold is hot. Yes they're from a townhouse and yes they will reassure you that the three other lads on his floor won't mind the noise.

The confidence of county boys definitely continues through to the bedroom. Be prepared to use that absolutely huge desk.

You might have to pretend to be impressed by their alcohol collection in the kitchen the next day, but all of the fake 'wows' are totally worth it. Impeccable.

Fylde

Just as the majority of Fylde is hidden away, expect your shag to be too. You won't tell anyone about it and the bed sheets are staying on, yes you'll have to experience the awkwardness of not seeing him at all whilst he gives you head.

Don't even expect doggy, it's not happening and to be honest we're not even sure that they've discovered it yet.

Furness

One can only admit they've slept with a lad from Furness if you promise to forgive all of their sins.

Sleeping with a lad from Furness is at the bare minimum, satisfying. But don't expect the confidence of a county lad, you're going to be doing missionary and missionary only. Do not expect sexy talk either, its not happening. Worth it physically but emotionally, not so much.

Prepare for the seductive aesthetic of colour changing led wall strips, and wondering whether you look sexy in a blue tone or not. The en-suite in Furness is an undoubtable bonus, no awkward encounters with Furness housemates. Lush. But the lack of awkward encounters does not make up for a standard shag. Sorry Furness, you were not exceptional.

Bowland

The best thing about sleeping with a boy from Bowland is the distance to Greggs. You can roll out the next morning and be first in the Greggs queue. It's worth it because of that.

Be prepared for the pillowtalk after sex, you will have to listen to their biggest fears and how they usually like to get to know a girl before they sleep with them. Then they will definitely kick you out at 10am latest because they "have an english essay due." Still, worth it.

Pendle

You're doing anal. Make of that what you will.

Grizedale

If things are looking flirty in Grizedale bar, don't expect it to go anywhere until the lights have come on in Sugar. He lives for the sesh.

A Grizedale boy will buy you endless shots at the bar, but come hometime the Sugarbus will kill the vibe, and if it doesn't, nothing is going to happen because he's too drunk to get it up. You deserve better.

Cartmel

When sleeping with someone from Cartmel, the walk better be worth it. When you walk into their suprerior en suite, expect some talk of Boris Johnson being the best man for Brexit.

If you can get past this, if you REALLY want to continue past the Tory talk, you're in for five minutes of missionary. Honestly, save yourself the walk.

Lonsdale

You have to put in the graft if you want to sleep with a Lonsdale boy, they'll tell you they're a top shagger but "want to treat women right." This will end around three am when they ask if you want to go back to their flat and watch How To Train Your Dragon.

How To Train Your Dragon is absolutely not a sexy vibe. You're having a sleepover. Go home.

Grad

Grad is full of sexy older men, if that's your vibe – Grad is your place. But honestly, don't expect a normal encounter.

Grad lads can get quite excited, one grad boy came from DRY HUMPING. Yes, dry humping. 21+ and orgasming from a dry hump. You won't know what to do, laugh? Cry? Laugh and cry!?! Still confused by the entire encounter tbh, wouldn't recommend.