Why Lancaster is the worst place to make friends

Someone love us

Uni seems like a great place to make friends. Except it’s not, and we’re sure we’re not the only ones who feel the same way: image-2

It might be something in the air, or maybe the location, but for some reason making friends in Lancaster is really hard.

People just don’t sit next to you in lectures

You walk into a lecture and sit in the middle of the row. Then some motherfucker decides to sit on the same row as you but on the seat furthest away as possible. Do you smell? Don’t answer that question.

We’ve all been in that position where you’ve got to ask some prick to move into one of the fifteen seats that they’ve been hoarding and they look at you like you’ve asked them to bloody CARRY you there. JUST MOVE UP.



You end up staying in your own college in freshers

Freshers should be a week of getting to know your flatmates and trying to make as many friends as possible. But only if you’re in the same college. Don’t even think about making friends with that Lonnie fresher cos we’re fucking Bowland ’til we motherfucking die (p.s. Let’s still be friends #beggarscantbechoosers).


Bowland til I die (aka friend-making death sentence)

The uni is isolated from the rest of the world

Being in a campus uni has its perks (Greggs), except for the fact we’re surrounded by fields and sheep. We literally have to go on a Lord of the Rings-style expedition to town for a night out.

Even then, Lancaster is such a barren city there’s nothing to fucking do. But hey, the castle’s pretty great, amirite? AMIRITE?


Written to scale

The shitty weather makes us all depressed

Who wants to go outside when it’s pissing it down? And it’s always fucking pissing it down. Even when we do go out, we have to bloody paddle to our bloody destination. Next year’s uni essentials shouldn’t be textbooks or toothpaste, you’ll just need a set of armbands and a dinghy.


Why? WHY?!

People never put their phones down

Believe it or not, it’s a conversation killer to pull out your phone and start flicking through Instagram.  If you do this, you’re putting an instant end to the conversation which could have blossomed into a beautiful friendship. It’s a dick move. Make an effort. Please.



Small talk is a struggle

Once you’ve asked name, degree, where you’re from and what your dog’s called, there’s literally nothing else to talk about. You both just sit next to each other until someone else comes in and you have to repeat the process all over again. Then the chat descends into awkward silence. Brilliant.

Here’s a tip: when the awkward silence starts, don’t put your headphones in like a twat. If all else fails, just talk about the weather. I’m still here, ready to make friends. With you.