It shouldn’t be a turn off if a girl chats you up – this is how to handle it
Hide your sweaty palms
Being left alone at a party, dealing with a crying girl in the toilets at a club, playing never have I ever with people you barely know – all awkward situations that can solved by pretending to text someone.
But what if you’re in the club, and a girl is coming over to talk to you, instead of the other way around? Judi James, the UK’s leading body language expert, says men should be pleased when women make the first move.
And when she decides to shimmy over, Judi’s top tips are “be natural with your hands”, “keep strong eye contact” and try not to say to say anything weird.
So you and this girl are in the club and you’ve been catching each other’s eye and involuntary thoughts will circle your mind such as: is she smiling at you or someone behind you? Is she interested in you?
Judi says the way both sexes show their interest have become quite similar these days: “Traditionally the girl would dip her head and look a little bit more shy but nowadays both men and women when they see something they’re interested in they’ll both be a little shy.
“In terms of attracting attention, men will show a playfulness with their mates so there will be a bit of nudging and pushing. Women tend to exhibit the loud laughter, then we wish we didn’t.”
She tells us the biggest hints as to tell whether someone is interested in you: “It will build down to eye contact, extended eye gaze and appreciative eye contact.It’s the most significant signal over than anything else they might be doing.
“You will probably see them glance at you and hold the eye gaze for a couple of seconds longer than you would with someone you don’t find remotely interesting.
“Then when you look back, they will look again and then you might get signals of attempted embarrassment like laughing or smiling or giggling, but in a cute way.”
Okay so now the girl is coming over. Shit, they never taught you in school how to deal with this situation because apparently trigonometry was more important than social skills. She’s nice, she’s polite and your friends are sniggering in the background.
She asks if you want to go to the bar and get a drink together.
Whether it’s because it makes you feel emasculated or you don’t want your mates making a scene and embarrassing you or simply because you don’t think she’s fit, having someone physically recoil doesn’t do wonders from her confidence either.
If anything it should make you feel good. It shows you’re attractive to the other sex, however much the minority is, and it saves you time from deciphering the flirtatious glances.
So here’s some suggestions on how to react in a way which won’t make you cringe 20 years later.
Don’t say anything weird
It seems obvious but when the fear of being approached kicks in, the natural tendency is to shit yourself and let slip stuff you don’t even tell your mum. We don’t want to know you used to be able to fit 10 crayons up your nose as a child.
Over-complimenting can also come across mildly psychotic. Sure, girls appreciate a guy acknowledging the effort she’s made to look nice, but when you start spewing lines Shakespeare would even be ashamed to write: you gotta reign it in.
Sports, religion and politics are obvious no-nos.
Where to put your hands
People in general, not just guys, seem to suffer from confusion with what to do with their arms in any heated situation. It’s like they become a type of extra baggage you feel you would be better off without.
The point is to be natural, if you’re awkwardly patting us – we get the sense the touch is awkward and it puts us off. We’re not dogs.
Judi says: “It is very difficult, what you need to do is use the lightest of safe touch and see what reception it gets and what the response is before you proceed or not.
“A touch on the back or if you’re laughing just touch them on the forearm, but it needs to be reasonably speedy.”
Don’t resolve to put your hands in your pockets, it makes us feel like we’re scolding some 12-year-old teenage boy, and definitely don’t do the hand hover our creep-radar will go off.
A smile goes a long way but so does eye contact. Interaction with just one person can be intense, but nothing is worse than trying to talk to someone who seems like they have better things to do than to talk to you. Don’t look around the room or your mates who are standing a couple metre’s away.
At the same time, don’t stare it’s okay to blink. We’re not having a staring competition, just relax.
Don’t invade personal space – it’s still there
She’s talking to you, not inviting you to the toilets for a quickie. No girl wants beer-breath on her each time you open your mouth, nor does she want to be sprayed with saliva if you get even a little excited with speech.
Don’t assume you need to be within a one-mile radius of her, being close is nice to know you’re interested and something inevitable especially if you’re in a club or a bar. Just don’t take it upon yourself to merge chromosomes before you’ve even bought her a drink.
Also a classic defence mechanism is to drag in a friend to protect you from the threat of actually getting laid. It’s an involuntary reflex, don’t worry. But remember two’s company and three’s a crowd, she’s probably not going to be open to a threesome. It’s better kept as a fantasy.
How to take it further
We’ve been there: the conversation is drying up, the music is too loud for you to have a decent conversation and your friends are haggling you to stop putting hoes before bros or some shit. What do you do?
If she hasn’t already been bolder and asked for your number then it’s time to put some effort in. She already initiated – you need to contribute or it’ll have been a waste of time. Be brave.
If you’re sure you want to see this girl again, solidify this by asking her when she’s free to meet up. It’ll be a nice surprise for her, you don’t lose your man-pride and you can part ways happy and enjoy the night.
Judi says if you aren’t sure whether someone wants to go home with you: “It’s probably safer to ask.
“Usually when you get to the part of the evening when you’re going home, it’ll be a ‘oh I’d better be off now’ accompanied with a long pause and an eye check as to imply ‘are you coming with me?’
“If someone literally grabs their bag and breaks for the exit, I’d take it as a hint they’re not expecting to go home with you. It’s the speed with which they walk out is normally the clue”
What not to do is linger around her like some sort of bad smell – if you’ve exchanged numbers and said your goodbye’s leave it. Unless of course, she is doing the lingering (i.e. looking for you in the crowd, constantly catching your eye and smiling) then she’s either super-keen or wanting to hook up. Lucky you.