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Check out these Lacrosse lads set to obliterate UCL in Varsity this year

Imagine Wild Child but with blokes

King’s men’s lacrosse team was founded a mere four years ago, however they are unbeaten in the league this season and guaranteed promotion. King’s Lacrosse are looking to head off a fine year with a Varsity victory.

They’re playing on the 9th of March, buy your tickets here.

Captain: Eugene Fung – 3rd year medicine (Midfield)

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Through his imposing presence and ruthless leadership style, Eugene ‘The Emperor’ Fung stands tall to command his legions. With the ferocity of Genghis Khan and the fecundity to boot, The Emperor rules with an iron first.

Favourite film: High School Musical 2

Evolves into: Wigglytuff

Tom Whitmore – Somethingtoxicology Masters (Goalie)

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Recruited from Liverpool uni for his drinking prowess and dashing smile, Tom will put his body on the line time and time again for his teammates.

Night out Tom? Yes.

Play in goal Tom? Yes.

Tristan Fraser – 3rd year medicine (Defence)

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Tristan has proved an indomitable force in the King’s defensive line and crushed the dreams of hapless attackmen across the South of England. Expect to see him holding strong in the King’s D-line and barking orders to Freshmen.

Favourite food: Meat

Favourite French word: Buffet

JS – Masters (Defence)

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Ahead of his arrival from Durham, rumour spread of this player heading to the big smoke. The team quickly discovered that JS was not only the waterboy, but the waterboy’s waterboy. However, after some intensive training, he has emerged with far and above the best sticks skills in the defence.

Age: undecipherable

Bedtime attire: full lacrosse pads (helmet encouraged)

Alex Smith – 2nd year biomed (Defence)

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Rumour has it that Alex “The Danger” Smith knocked the pads off of a man in a game; scientists are still trying to figure out the physics behind it.

Claim to fame: only man on the team to have served time

Time in K-hole: indefinite

Sam Ghatan – Neuroscience Masters (Defence)

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A 6’4’’ man in a 5’6’’ body, Sam spends his days strolling around in motorcycle leathers. Jack of all trades, master of one, Sam holds the men’s team record for most assaults on the field.

Greatest fear: a moderately high shelf

Biggest asset: his 50cc pushbike

Felix Morriss – 3rd year medicine (LSM)

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As icy-cold on the field as the low-cal frozen treat he serves; this med student by day, froyo-peddler by night lives to lay UCL bodies low (when he’s not trying to admire himself in anything reflective).

Favourite team: KCL Netball

Favourite quote: ‘moistness is the essence of wetness, wetness is the essence of beauty’

Alisdair Grice – 2nd year biomed (Midfield)

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With the fashion sense of a 12 year-old girl and a physique to match, Alisdair ‘Lolita’ Grice cuts a stealthy figure on the lacrosse pitch; proving a lethal quality on the King’s fast break.

Likes: your boyfriend’s Instagram

Hates: the mainstream

Rob Taylor – 2nd year biomed (Midfield)

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Having recently pulled a girl on a train station platform in front of his dumbstruck teammates, this wildcard gives as many f**ks as he has hairs on his head.

Favourite past-time: buffing his dome

Preferred stomping ground: Zone 3 railway stations

Jack Marsch – 1st year Chemistry – (Midfield)

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Having been mistaken for Jeremy Corbyn or your run-of-the-mill elderly goat on multiple occasions, he sadly lacks the charisma of the former and the viciousness of the latter.

Ambition: to hold a conversation with a girl

Weakness: the female gaze

Jake Buffery – 2nd year History (Midfield)

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Jake has all the gear and to his credit, an approximate idea of how lacrosse should be played; running up and down the pitch like a kangaroo’s yo-yo.

Signature move: Rooooooll doooooodge

Evolves into: LSM

Will Duval – Masters, classified (Midfield)

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He was once bitten by a Gaboon viper in sub-Saharan Africa. After three days of agonising pain, the viper died.

Spirit animal: Hillary ‘Rotten’ Clinton

Evolves into: Raichu

Elmo Guichen-Vallas – 3rd year physics (Attack)

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A true enigma of the lacrosse team, Elmo has gone from a timid mixed player to a body-felling beast. Legend has it he strolled out of the womb with a fully-assembled goatee.

Past-times: questionable at best, illegal at worst

Favourite quote: Oderint dum metuant

Chris Allen – 2nd year medicine (Attack)

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Quick to complement, slow to criticise and even slower at running, expect to see Chris breaking the hearts and minds of UCL defenceman.

Loves: Strawberry Smiggles

Hates: Oaks, pines, maples and yews

Thomas Jacks – 1st year History & international Relations (Attack)

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Thomas ‘Teej’ Jacks is renowned for his willingness to experiment and innovate both on and off the field. On a recent lacrosse tour, he swapped underwear with a member of the ladies squad. Finding the lace garment not only becoming but fairly functional, he refused to take it off for the rest of the three-day trip.

Pulling technique: unknown, unseen, undesirable

Spirit animal: Chris Allen

Josh Wanblad – 1st year biomed (Attack)

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Lethal in short bursts and perpetually wearing a cap (rumour is he has Captain Eugene’s face tattoed on the back of his skull). This shit-of-lid, fast-of-shooting South African is guaranteed a goal or two in Varsity (if the rest of the team are injured).

Favourite Cuisine: Chinese

Favourite movies: home-made with poor lighting

Jack Watson – 1st year (Attack)

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Known for wooing hapless English girls with his devilish charm and full head of farm-fresh lettuce, the only thing stronger than his chirpse is the impact of UCL defencemen hitting the dirt.

Favourite drink: Her Majesty’s gin and Canadian maple syrup – preferably mixed

Secret asset on a night out: Uber

Dan Gibson (Attack)

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Much like the reader of this article, the rest of King’s Men’s Lacrosse don’t know much about Dan.

More team profiles are coming out this week in time for the Varsity 2018 Series. For all fixtures and tickets, find them here.