Which Beyoncé song are you?

It’s time to revise but, just as you settle into your reading, Beyoncé drops a new album without any warning or regard for your hand crafted revision timetable.

Selfish really, isn’t it?

Haters Be(gone)cé

So make like Beyonce, and drop everything you’ve got going on. Give the new album Lemonade a listen and then continue your procrastination with an article telling you which Beyonce song you are.

Heck, why not go the whole hog and write a Tab article about it? Revision can wait.

Here’s what your favourite Beyoncé song says about you:

Anything from Destiny’s Child pre 2000

They formed in 1990 meaning that they predated most of us. If you listen to the early stuff regularly then you were probably one of those kids that put ‘I was born in the wrong era’ as your status when you were 11.

You went to the David Bowie memorial in Brixton even though you only know ‘Heroes’ because it was on the soundtrack of ‘Perks of being a Wallflower’. You cried when Prince died and wrote a lengthy status about how much you loved the song ‘Pink Rain’. Nobody corrected you but you got five likes.

Bills, Bills, Bills

Student finance is taking it’s time to come through and your diet has been plain toast for the last two weeks. Being a student is hard but Destiny’s Child understands.

(it doesn’t actually mean free cash)

If I were a boy

You used to have a Tumblr account before you went on a gap year to some remote village in eastern Mongolia that didn’t have a Wifi network. You’re rediscovering everything in a new light now that you’re back and you’ve decided that it’s your responsibility to tell everyone at pre drinks what all the letters in LGBTQ mean. This is your intention but, after your third Jagerbomb, what you’re actually doing is singing the alphabet song into the faces of some cis white men trying to get on with their game of beer pong. You tried.

Crazy in love

You have elected yourself as DJ for your flat party because you’re the only one that knows all the words to the Jay Z part of ‘Crazy in Love’ and you have Spotify Premium. You spend the night next to the speaker nodding knowingly at anyone you briefly see dancing to the music. You feel like Calvin Harris back when he played Glastonbury or Basshunter back when people knew who Basshunter was.

Survivor

You have a revision playlist and it looks like this:

1. Survivor
2. I will survive
3. Living on a prayer

Your playlist can’t save you now

You listen to it on loop hoping desperately that it’ll get you a 1st and a job as a Radio One DJ. What it’ll actually land you is a 2:2 and long periods of unemployment. Better start listening to Hannah Montana classics like ‘Nobody’s Perfect’ because you’re beyond the help of Beyoncé now.

Halo

You joined choir for the free biscuits and stayed for the show tunes. You can hit the high notes without children screaming and your hair has a shine that Donald Trump dreams about.

Single ladies

You’ve just broken up with your significant other and need a night out. You message the group chat which is probably called ‘Gals’ or ‘Ladssssss’ and tell them to come over at 9pm. When they arrive at 9pm,‘Single Ladies’ is blasting through the speakers and you’re sat in a dark room crying into a bottle of gin in a black leotard. Your friends are saying ‘come on, Dave, she’s not worth it.’

Unable to stifle a response, you start shaking your hand in the face of everyone in the room. In your mate’s eyes, you are psychotic. In your mind, you are classier than Beyoncé. 

Formation

You arrive at the club and, in your mind, you’re dancing like Beyoncé and Bruno at the Superbowl. In realty, you’re dancing like Chris Martin at the Superbowl.

Flawless

You’ve just spent £60 on a new haircut and stopped off at Starbucks to get an iced caramel macchiato with soy milk. You take a selfie, spend two hours editing it before finally uploading it to Instagram with the caption ‘I woke up like this’. You almost certainly did not wake up like this.

Woke up like dis

Drunk in love

It’s Friday night and you’re feeling flawless. The clock strikes 3am and you’re so drunk that the room is spinning faster than the head of David Cameron’s publicist after #PigGate. ‘Drunk in Love’ starts playing and you, like everybody in the English speaking world, only know the chorus. That doesn’t stop you singing it to the Uber driver on the way home.

Anything from the new album

It’s on Tidal so, much like the new album, nobody will listen to you.