Your beard is boring, please shave it off

If you can fit Kerplunk sticks in there, it’s too long

Beards are everywhere on everyone nowadays – it’s become difficult to tell who the real men are and who are the imposters.

I remember simpler a time, when a beard was sign of someone who could put up a shelf or could lift me over their shoulder.

Now with lumberjack lookalikes everywhere the beard has become the boob job of masculinity and it’s ever trickier to know if he’s truly manly or just hiding behind his whiskers.

Now I’m not talking about a bit of stubble here – I’m all for a bit of facial hair. But I’m referring to “yeards”, beards that men have spent all year growing, maintaining and grooming with every product under the sun. Beards that grow to outrageous proportions and protrude from your face. Beards that only Mr Twit should be proud of.

No words…

You may think all this faffing around with your obvious portrayal of manhood will make girls fall at your feet, and yes girls love a manly man, but it’s far from pleasant being in close proximity to the birds nest attached to your chin. The idea of finding a piece of last night’s dinner within is something I’d rather not think about.

A respectable effort

In fact there shouldn’t be a prize of women cooing over you at all because beards are really just a consequence of you being a bit lazy. Instead of keeping it trim it’s become easy and fashionable for men to look as if they’re off to the offie for their morning Special Brew.

Someone get that man a razor please.

I get it, it looks cool and shaving is annoying but wouldn’t you complain if girls didn’t?

You may think I’m being harsh but the reality is the beard trend is getting boring. You’re no longer edgy when every Tom, Dick and Harry is attempting strong beard game too.