How to pull in the library
The ultimate study guide
It’s classic: you’re drowning in essays and deadlines but all you really want to be doing is grafting in another sense of the word. Well, my fellow singletons, you’ve come to the right place. Simply follow this quick and easy guide to learn how you can combine work and pleasure and make those all-nighters slightly more bearable…
1) Locate your target
As you enter the library, take a look around to identify that special someone. Be sure to check all floors (if it’s the UL you can make an exception, like sticking to one wing) in order to find where that peng ting is working. Sit as close to them as you possibly can (without being too creepy) and your ‘study’ sesh can begin…
2) Read a suggestive book
Unfortunately 50 shades of grey is only available in the UL. No one has time for that. BUT fear not, there are plenty of raunchy alternatives that you can ‘read’ to ever so subtly hint to your library crush that you are dtf…
For example, those of you at Jesus may utilise your edition of Sexy Dressing Etc. to assure your suitors that you are just a little bit kinky. King's students can whip out a good old copy of Cone Penetration Testing to reveal the kind of things you like to revise for (if you know what I mean). For the SPSers out there, there’s always Porn.com in your faculty library (yes, this is a book), and for you medics there’s the trusty ol’ Handbook of Anal Endosonography in yours. You’re welcome.
Everyone follows it. Literally. So writing into the page is a sure fire way to alert your library crush of your interest in them. Simply describe their appearance in as much detail as possible, sit back, and wait. They will absolutely see the post and comment with the deets to their Facebook profile. Slide into those dm’s. Naughty.
If you’re looking for a more fiery relationship with your library crush, then this is the best way for you to reach out to them… and if you don’t know what Cumbridge is I am not going to explain it to you.
5) The pen drop
A classic move: think bend and snap. You can even jazz up this traditional technique by utilising a fluffy pen: it suggests that you’re cute but also a little bit wild. ;)))
6) Check your Tinder profile
It’s simple. Just load up your tinder profile on your laptop and swipe right for EVERYONE who comes up. Not only will your library crush then know that you’re single, but they’ll also see that you’re a little bit desperate and will say yes to quite literally anyone at this point. Why not throw in a super like if you’re feeling extra cheeky?
6) Ask for their help finding a book
This works best when there’s no librarians about (…for multiple reasons), so save this trick for an out of hours study sesh. First, you need to locate the darkest, filthiest, most compact aisle in your library. Next, write down the title of a book from the very end of said dark, filthy, compact aisle. Now you just need to ask your crush if they could help you to find the location (as you really need this book to complete your essay and would really appreciate their help)….
…All I’m saying is, what goes on in John’s library PER.414.567, stays in John’s library PER.414.567….
Cambridge terms are rigorous and intense, and at times it can be super difficult to balance study and relationships. However, if you follow this nifty guide, you’ll soon be achieving straight A’s in your supos and straight O’s in the bedroom.