A TV guide for all your Cambridge moods
Degrees come and go but TV is forever
WHAT TO WATCH IF –
If the last time you laughed was Michaelmas – ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT
It's been a hard few months, hasn't it? You're only in the best university in the UK, but you're definitely no longer the best. You ache for the days when work was limited to weekly supervisions, and crave the 'holidays' with no (essential) revision. Draw your curtains, recreate the 5pm darkness and cosy up for a quick half an hour escape. Laugh with cruel delight at the story of a wealthy family who loses everything but their objectively hilarious point of view. Watch them engage in interpretive chicken dance, invent culinary delights like hot ham water and sign up for their folk group Dr. Fünke's 100% Natural Good-Time Family-Band Solution.
If you're crying you may as well cry over – SUITS (FINALE)
You can't even walk past Sidgwick without shedding a tear or two. Staring at your pile of books and your nothingness of notes has you full-on bawling. One single DoS email about 'revision tips' is all it'll take for you to completely break down. If you're already crying, why not cry harder to let it all out? Watch your favourites at (Zane) Spectre Litt say goodbye to Mike and Rachel on the Suits finale. Weep because they've changed so much from their days of conning and paralegaling. Wail because they'll never be on the show again. Cry because everyone else will let go. Cry harder because you don't have the street smarts to con your way in if you fail your law degree.
If your friend claimed to have 'not done anything' but you know they're lying – SURVIVOR
It's a warm summer's day and you're inside your structurally inept building trying to get it together for your exam. You whine to your friend (aka the only other person in college that does your course), hoping to fail worry-free and more importantly together. Suspiciously they were last seen hours ago on social media, and now that you think about it, weeks ago in real life. They respond appropriately quickly to ward off suspicions, claiming that 'I'm so going to fail haha'. But are they? Or are you one more grade mark they can climb over just to fit into the next class? Do you need to work on your own strategy? Look no further than Survivor to watch the smart, the dumb and blindingly blah attempt to outwit, outplay and outlast each other in order to win a million dollars. Bonus – they'll be enjoying the sunshine even if you can't.
If your books are just too far away and you don't feel like moving – AGENTS OF SHIELD
You wanted to be productive, you really did. Here you are all ready to start, but lo and behold, your books are miles away. You have absolutely no energy to get up. You don't need it. Let the magic of television transport you to another world altogether. Wade into the future with Agents of Shield, and watch them fight against the end of the world as we know it. Your exams aren't going to feel as serious when the entire human race is on the verge of being enslaved by aliens.
If you're having a mental breakdown because you're 20 and what are you doing with your life – NEW GIRL
So you entered a new decade this year, far away from home and with only six-month acquaintances to celebrate. You cried yourself to sleep, realising that 1/4th of your life was in all likelihood over, and all you had to show for it were a few participation certificates here and there. Seek solace in the dysfunctional loft roommates in New Girl, as they navigate new lives in new cities with new friends and new jobs. Nick Miller waited all of six seasons to finally strike gold with the best-seller that is the Pepperwood Chronicles, and even today he's stuck on the sequel. Channel your inner Miller and just take a nap.
If you're homesick and there's still six weeks to go – FRIENDS
So obvious, you definitely should not have wasted time scrolling to this section. Watch from your new room and pretend you're watching it on television from the comforts of your three-seater sofa, as your mom asks if you want an evening snack. You've already watched it a million times, so indulge in yelling out iconic lines before they happen, and regret not pursuing film studies, because you'd so clearly excel at it. Call home and watch alongside your sister yelling out PIVOT together, because a family that TVies together, stays together.
If you find out that the chapter still has ten more pages – YOU'RE THE WORST
You've been holding on to 370 for the last three hours, waiting with bated breath at the turn of every page. Your eyes are drooping, your elbows are slipping and your brain has turned to mush when you finally hit 370, only to be met with the most acrid of surprises. 370 is nothing. In your exhausted state, you've mixed up the numbers, and 370 is but a checkpoint for 380. This book is the worst. Throw it way, throw yourself together and dedicate the next half an hour of your life to your book, by watching You're the Worst. Let the two toxic, self-centred antiheroes distract you with their sometimes downright cruel shenanigans, and revel in the schadenfreude of their misery (because at least now you're not focusing on yours).
If your neighbour sounds like she's hosting a circus so there's no way you can concentrate – RIVERDALE
Every single time you sit down to study, after hours of mental preparation, you hear the early murmurings of a prelimmer bash. You sigh, defeated, knowing that none of your polite inquisitions will be met by any action, and resign yourself to a background symphony of terrible singing and crashing plates. No more. Now's the time to take action. Make sure your sound is on full volume, and blast Riverdale right through the wall. With murders left, right and centre, let the screams of the dead and about-to-die scare off your neighbour's clowns into the darkness of the night.
If you're DONE –
You're probably the most hated person on your floor right now, or maybe your entire building, or maybe even your entire college. No one is going to want to talk to you, less they smell the freedom in your voice. Friend-less, and still under the shackles of term time, where do you go but television? Watch one, watch them all, just please for goodness' sake don't brag about how bored you are.