Sex is Dangerous

The phrase 'sex is dangerous' might provoke memories of sex ed is Year 6: that sex is dangerous because you will surely develop and STI, get pregnant and die.

That is not how I see the danger of sex, (although, you know, protection is always a good thing). The dangers I have experienced during sex over my past year in Cambridge is much more immediate, chafey and scratchy. Sex is ‘dangerous’ because things can snap, or almost snap, and friction is a bitch.

For Penises

The penis is not a bone (fact of the day) but turns out it can break. I haven’t been in that particular situation myself but I have come close a few times. The danger zone is when he is getting a bit soft but still valiantly powering on. Bending can occur and with enough force behind it, there will not be a beneficial finish for anyone.

A member of our very own Tab Team has been witness to a broken penis and assures me it is not pretty, or sexy. So remember: when its getting soft, slow it down and whip out the lube!

On the subject of lube (one of my personal favourites) it also helps with the ‘danger’ of friction. Don’t get me wrong, friction can be great, but then again it can not be: after the initial wettening, things can get dry and then painful; for both parties involved. Both penises and vaginas love lube, everything just goes more smoothly.

On a less general level, hair can be dangerous too, apart from the obvious (choking hazard), previously shaven legs can be sharper than one might expect: an instance that sticks in my mind is when he let out what I can only describe as a ‘yelp’ of pain when my leg hair brushed the tip of his penis, turns out it's super sensitive, shocker.

For Vaginas

For people with vaginas there are similar hazards involved; but there is also the nightmare of the long fingernail, whether that be your own or someone else’s, be sure to keep those talons trimmed. I am sure I don’t need to elaborate.

Whilst friction causes a problem for penises, it can also lead to the dreaded UTI (urinary tract infection) and have you sipping on cranberry juice all day. I’m not personally convinced by the weeing before and after trick, and once again I’m bringing it back to lube; it really does solve everything.

Vodka cranberry works just as well

For anyone with a bed (and leg muscles)

Now to more practical and less sexy injuries, there is the classic falling off the bed: which is all the more likely in the style-cramping single beds of the shitty Cambridge college room. There is also the very real danger of hitting one’s head on the head board and/or wall.

On a less physical level, danger encompasses the dreaded housekeeper/ friend/neighbour walk-in, though thankfully I do not speak from personal experience. My experience has, however, lead me to fear the physical agony of cramping, especially when I am doing all the work, that is to say, on top.

I had hoped such frequent cycling may have strengthened my gluts beyond the point of seizing up, this has unfortunately not been the case. I have seriously considered warm-up exercises to stretch my legs, but I fear that might ruin ‘the mood’.

Finally another one for all you squirters out there, beware! You possess within you a (mild) choking hazard. This particular danger, I can confirm, does stem from personal experience and I have made it my duty to spread the word. If I can save just one non-suspecting individual from death by drowning in squirt, then I have done my job.

Once again I have to bring it back to how great sex can actually be, because if something isn’t a little bit risky, is it even worth doing? You may fall off the bed, you may almost break your penis, you might even choke on female (or male) ejaculate: but ultimately these are some of the risks people all around the world take every day, just to get off.