News Roundup Week 2: Sun, Sex, and Suspicious Papparazos

ARMIN SOLIMANI rounds up a debauched week of warm days and warmer sheep

big yellow helicopters caesarian Caesarian Sunday Cambridge Drinking Feminism Freshers porters self-immolation sheep sidney Sidney Sussex sunday Tab trees

Thick with empty tinnies, appalled dog walkers, and scorched ovine apparel, the newly established landfill at Jesus Green stands as a grimy testament to a week two shabbily lived.

From Nick Clegg bringing his lifelong whinging tour to the union, to students at Trinity trying to drown their sorrows in the men’s toilets, this week students past and present have proved that a ‘prestigious’ Cambridge degree may as well be printed on the back of chinese take-out menus.


Debauchery, debauchery, mildly anti-climactic debauchery

The seedy looking Daily Mail photographers that littered Jesus Green on sunday were a fascinating display; human garbage taking photos of human garbage, for the vacuous entertainment of other human garbage. The highlight of Sunday’s festivities was certainly flaming sheep boy – a Sidney fresher wearing a sheep costume was set ablaze, and a rescue helicopter was called in to help, landing directly on the green.

Thankfully for the fresher, the bright minds of Cambridge were there to help, and quickly resolved to pour beer on his costume to douse the flames. Brilliant. Reports indicate he then tossed himself into the river and passed out.

Someone’s been going to Wednesday debate workshops

Famed attention seeker and fledgling BNOC Josh Jackson got a quote on the carnage in the DM , stating, ‘Everyone was sitting around enjoying the sun when there was this huge uproar and a guy wearing a sheep costume had been set on fire’. For anyone who hasn’t had a chance to read his words directly, an impressively tasteful and exceedingly subtle FB link was promptly posted afterwards.

Otherwise, Caesarian Sunday was a fairly dry affair – perhaps that fresher simply set the baa-r too high. It was at least charming to see just how rebellious Cam students felt pushing each other around in shopping trolleys.

Moe Cantab

Just an ordinary student’s take on the news

Sidney master hates his students

Interestingly enough, the Sidney master didn’t seem too traumatised by one of his freshers being set on fire by a drinking society. In a leaked email, sent to the head porter but mistakenly forwarded to every Sidney Sussex student, the master calls the students ‘selfish b*****ds’ for ‘some very loud talking and even (female) singing’.

Female singing…

There was further uproar at the embattled TCS’s reporting of the incident;  dozens of students expressed outrage in the comments section at the article’s somewhat unrelated attack on the college porters. The article has disappeared from the TCS homepage; apparently the author got cold feet and demanded it be taken down.


Water Fight somehow goes too far at Trin

Reports indicate a water fight broke out in the Trinity library toilets this week. The college was, of course, horrified at the behaviour of their degenerate students, and has threatened them with an ultimatum to have the toilet ‘closed indefinitely’ if they don’t stop. Fairly surprising since there’s only one tap in there…

Is anything sacred?

Laxative wielding vigilantes crush crime at Christ’s

The crime wave continues, as an epidemic of food thievery has struck the Christ’s college, and students have taken action.

Over in Medwards it seems they’ve come up with the ingenious/legally dubious strategy of buying two of everything, and jamming one with laxatives. Watch this space for an equally nonsensical story about the inevitable ensuing court proceedings.

Tablishment View

And on the lighter side, Queen’s College porters have taken in an injured duck named Winfrey. Look how cute.