The News Bulletin, Week 7: CUSU concludes, hackery continues and Lacrosse at a loss

Supercilious Summary

The onset of both CUSU and Union Society elections have transformed Facebook newsfeeds into insufferable compilations of shameless self-promotion and circle-jerkery. Even The Tab has bought into the plague, publishing innumerable interviews with every CUSU presidential candidate, and painstakingly updating a live-blog keeping everyone up to speed with every riveting detail in the quest to find a new team to sail the Cambridge ship into another term of poor communication with the press and disappointingly minimal policy changes. Exciting.

There has been ample election controversy, with Cornelius Roemer being accused of unacceptable behaviour at TCSU (Trinity College Students’ Union). Leaked documents showed accusations that he used his “position as President [at Trinity as] an entitlement to belittle and be overbearing to other members of the committee.” John Sime has been called a “posh fuckboy who wants to get rid of autonomous liberation campaigns” by Amelia Sylvia, a former CUSU sabbatical. We’ve also broken the story that 1 in 6 votes for CUSU Women’s Officer were cast by self-identifying men in the last CUSU election despite a rubric that states that only women should vote.

Now that the whole thing is over (well done all successful candidates blah blah), we can get on with the real news. Apparently, a student has been officially disciplined for walking on Trinity grass. A Land Economy finalist (ironic much?) has been forced to write a letter of apology having walked on the grass inebriated at around midnight. Perhaps he was prograsstinating?

Palsoc’s (Palestinian Society) mock checkpoint over at Sidgewick has left a Jewish human rights group furious. In a letter to Cambridge Univeristy, they refer to the series of metal fences and Star of David flags as a “deliberately intimidating paramilitary-style antisemitic ‘checkpoint’.” They condemn the university for endorsing “such virulent antisemitic elements.” While some in the comments section stand by the human rights group, others stand with Palsoc, arguing that the checkpoint is supposed to make people uncomfortable. It boils down to whether anti-Israeli sentiments equate to anti-Semitism.

Barbara Cantab

Lacrosse at a Loss 

Varsity matches between the crème de la crème of the sporting elite in Oxbridge have been taking place over the last week. For many people, the most exciting thing about Varsity is seeing the enviably athletic come off their long drinking ban after their match and get absolutely gazeboed.

However, the Oxford First and Seconds Lacrosse team have a particular penchant for being total morons. Over the past few years, the Oxford team have been bullying the Cambridge team both on and off the pitch. They openly call the Cambridge team “fucking ugly girls on steroids” and hold signs emblazoned “Smash dem Fugos”.

They don’t just keep their bullying to the pitch, uploading photos advertising their aggressive approach to the Cambridge team. One senior member of the Oxford Lacrosse team even uploaded 267 photos to an album entitled “Smash dem fugos”.

To top it all off, some of the members of the 1st and 2nd team have been making derogatory comments about the appearance members of the Cambridge female lacrosse team, commenting about the size of their bums.

A member of the Oxford team is pictured here holding a sign saying “We’re better and prettier”.

It’s a shame the Oxford Blues have lost two years in a row.

When asked about this bizarre subversion of ‘sportsmanship’, the Presidents of the Cambridge (Hattie Wilson) and Oxford Lacrosse (Rachel Wright) team issued a joint statement:

“Neither of the clubs condone any form of sexism, nor want animosity between the two teams”. They continued that “there exists “healthy levels of competition” between the two sides, and that “with this being the 100th Varsity, of course the stakes are high and members of both sides are keen for victory. However, both clubs want this victory to be accredited to their athleticism, and not to any bad blood that has been portrayed to be existent between the sides.”

Josh Hackson

Josh Jackson is fast becoming the biggest election hack in Cambridge. He has already run 5 (largely unsuccessful election campaigns) in Cambridge… and is only in his second term! He has run for positions in the HSPS department, CUSU and the Union.

Jackson most recently lost his bid to become University Councillor.

During the election campaign, Jackson posted an article that Varsity had written about the election campaign, in which they noted that Jackson “stood and shoulders above the competition” in a physical sense. However, when Jackson re-posted the article, he tactically omitted the crucial detail about his superiority coming only in height. Talk about spin…

Smash the Patriarchy (literally)

Students at Medwards have been haunted by the spectre of heteronormativity, literally. A giant pink piñata spelling the word “Heteronormativity” hangs in one of the staircases leading up to Dome (their dining hall/giant boob shaped central structure.)

It gets even better. Jellie understands that a group of students plan to hang the piñata in the central dome and ritualistically smash it (literally and metaphorically). Aren’t piñatas kind of cultural appropriation?

May-balls-up

One unfortunate Johnian student left his Facebook account to the mercy of his friends. Sam Watts was confused when he received a deluge of texts and Facebook messages inquiring after the multiple John’s tickets he offered on the Cambridge May Ball Market Place. Martha Rose Saunders later took the credit for hijacking Sam’s Facebook and making him one the most popular men in town.

In other May Ball news, the Vice Chairman and founder of Bulgari is sponsoring Sidney Sussex May Ball. Which is cool, if slightly shady, and might be explained by the fact Sidney’s Sponsorship Director is himself Italian. Make of that what you will. You know what they say about being well-connected in Italy…

Brexshit

As the big “in/out Europe” referendum draws nearer, Cantabs have taken to the streets in a bid to sway the vote. Last weekend, a Brexit stall over in market square saw two students donning their Trinity and John’s scarves. Stereotype much?

One of the students proudly wore a Lib-Dem sticker on his lapel, as he tried to argue the “liberal case” to leave. However, there are rumours that said student isn’t a Lib-Dem at all, and that he is, in fact, a member of CUCA disguised as a Lib-Dem. Controversial.

Rob-in-son

Robinson Football team won cuppers last week in a dramatic finale. Though they were 2-0 down at 10 minutes to go, they managed to score a triumphant 4 goals before the final whistle.

However, despite the comeback, some members were left questioning their support of the team after one teammate wrote “Over! Wide! Autism” in their “Meet the Squad” introduction.

On the topic of Robinson, The Tab has exclusively revealed that it was the college which had had the highest level of involvement with the police. The article noted 53 different incidents with the police, 18 of which were concerning thefts. Not doing too well guys.

This didn’t come as a surprise to many members of ROBinson as there has been an intense amount of food stealing in recent weeks. Complaints about some “arsehole” and “odious little cunt” stealing: brie, chorizo, coronation chicken,  yoghurt, cheese-strings, watermelon and humous.

A Robison informant told The Tab that several members of the Rugby Team had admitted to stealing some of the food… all in the name of banter and protein.

Calling a Rap

Someone with a little too much time on their hands has edited Angus Satow’s CUSU election video. They put the song “Can’t Tell me Nothing”, by Kanye West over Angus’ election campaign video (ft. some juicy love-bites). He may not have won the election, but this may be a blessing in disguise for the social justice warrior, who would have had to issue an apology during his time as CUSU president for not being able to deliver on his overly-ambitious policies. No one wants to see a repeat of Nick Clegg’s “I’m Sorry” parody. 

Tabocracy

This week The Tab published an article detailing the various ways in which students had broken in the seemingly impenetrable May Balls over the past few years. A pair of particularly desperate students literally hid in a bush at Jesus all day waiting for the ball to start.

One disgruntled reader, named simply “Tab wankers” commented that “You literally kill everything, Xavier.” When asked about it, Xavier replied that “This comment fully grasps The Tab’s editorial policy. Our goal is to bring everyone down with us. No one’s getting special treatment. I’d bring you down, too, IP address 131.111.243.147, if I could.” Anonymity much?

Send any tips here.

See you next week Cantabs, for the big end of term roundup!

@EllieOlcott