First student in THREE YEARS officially disciplined for walking on Trinity grass

“Excuse me, are you aware that walking on this grass is illegal?”


Land Economy finalist and Tit Hall bigwig Marton Peter-Price has been disciplined by Trinity College for walking on the grass.

A Freedom of Information request by The Tab reveals this was the first time walking on the grass has been disciplined by the college in three years.

At around five minutes to midnight, after watching his country compete in the Euro-Qualifiers, the patriotically inebriated Marton stumbled onto the grass of the Great Court, along with several members of Trinity college.

Suddenly, as “bright headlights” were shined on him, and his friends chaotically sprinted away, Marton was accosted by two porters, who asked if he was aware “that it is illegal to walk on the grass”. After falsely claiming to be member of the college, he was dragged to the Trinity plodge.

Marton claims that "inebriated" is a serious understatement

Marton claims that “inebriated” is a serious understatement

Despite reportedly arguing his case with “chill guys, it’s only grass”, it was soon made clear that the porters were seriously planning to invoke the arcane disciplinary measures.

Having already been deaned at Tit Hall four times, (including just last week for throwing a loud party in his room), Marton pleaded with the porters to let him off the hook, obstinately and drunkenly refusing to leave the plodge for a full twenty minutes.

Cambridge's seedy underbelly

Cambridge’s seedy underbelly

After eventually being forcibly ejected, Marton meandered home to write a “flawless” email to Tutor Andrew Arthur. After several discussions between the senior tutors of Trinity and Trinity Hall, it was decided the punishment would be minimised to constitute a letter of apology.

When asked for comment on the furore, Marton stated that “there is an interesting parallel, as Trinity College is punishing me for walking on the grass, despite my having dinner with their master just last week”.