The ultimate Valentine’s Day songs for Cambridge students

We run down our top ten (sort of) love related anthems

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Valentine’s day is nearly upon us. As we prepare ourselves for cloying displays of affection all over Facebook and photographs of cheap roses with “the boy done good” captions, let The Tab take the headache out of your tune selection for the big day.

Here are ten of our favourite Valentines anthems, and what they say about you.

Marvin Gaye – Sexual Healing: You’re smooth. Real smooth. You’ve taken your date to Wagamama for a Katsu curry and free green tea (it’s great for your digestive system), and now it’s back to your room for a bottle of cheap red and maybe more.

Slip on a silk robe, crank up the Marvin Gaye and work your magic, but please, no poetry. Everybody hates your poetry.

Dizzee Rascal – I Luv U: This is a tough one. Are you really from the ends? Probably not. Do you impregnate 15 year old girls and then sell them cannabis? We hope not.

Shaggy – It wasn’t me: Perhaps this video promotes rampant misogyny whilst reinforcing negative stereotypes of race and gender. But if you complain I’ve got a ready made answer.

Another Level – Freak Me:  Ah, Another Level. What was the first level? Who knows. This song was made immortal by Ali G and for good reason. Any song that starts a verse with “I want to lick you up and down ’til you say stop” is bound to be awesome – plus it encourages consent. It’s educational and a bit pervy at the same time, like your DoS.

Chase & Status – In Love – A meal at Carluccios? Not for you. How can you be expected to eat pasta with all those pills in your belly? Back to yours after the Junction – slip this bad boy on and get into the jungle. Sexy pun intended.

Beyoncé – Single Ladies: You haven’t got a date for Valentines Day but that’s fine. You’re strong, you’re independent. You don’t need someone to put a ring on it – but they would if you’d let them. Oh yes. They’d be queuing round the block with diamonds for you.

Probably a good time to start googling which breeds of cat you’d like.

Monsta Boy – I’m Sorry: Strange premise here. You didn’t show him attention, so he went to your best friend’s house, slept with her (potentially more than once) and rather enjoyed himself. Now he’s sorry, but not sorry enough to really take responsibility for what he’s done. This one is either for fans of UK Garage or rampant adulterers – the two are not mutually exclusive.

Eamon – Fuck It: It’s not just the boys that are breaking hearts out here. Somebody hurt Eamon, they hurt him pretty bad. He is literally prepared to say fuck you, you hoe, he don’t want you back. A modern day parable of sorts.

Noah and the Whale – Five Years Time: This one is just a nice song. Not everything in The Tab has to be some bile-filled sarcastic lowbrow attack on something you love. Sometimes it’s just about love love love. But do note this song was released more than five years ago now, rendering it entirely pointless.

Meat Loaf – I’d Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That): Have you seen Meat Loaf? He looks like an extra from Sons of Anarchy that spent the last week sleeping in a skip behind a kebab shop. What on earth has she asked him to do that he has turned down? That’s some freaky shit and we are on board with that.

Probably. Between this list and your socially-awkward, badly rehearsed conversation starters you’ll be onto a winner. The Tab accepts no responsibility for what happens to you this Sunday, but remember:

Even if everybody else thinks you’re a complete loser, The Tab loves you – because we’re losers too.