The News Bulletin, Week 4: Cantab cretins, editorial errors & upset Evangelical hipsters

Jack Benda and Ellie Olcott round up the weekly news

banter beer Cambridge Union Christian Union Clare content warning curry CUSU Get Real Magdalene no filter Selwyn sexism

Supercilious Summary

Hip hip hooray for Cambridge’s most narcissistic competition. YAY BNOC. We have now officially made ten insufferable people even more insufferable than they already were. Well done us. And felicitations to Charlotte Ivers (known to those close to her as Chivers) for winning the most tragic title since coming fifth place on Andrew Lloyd Webber’s deeply underwhelming “How Do You Solve a Problem like Maria” rip-off of “Pop Idol”. Well. Done.

In real news, you Cambridge students voted in favour of a CUSU motion to introduce a Disabled Students’ Officer, and with a massive majority of 92%. The new post will cost £18,000, and it has been suggested to The Tab that it will possibly cost up to £26,000, depending on additional costs.

Cambridge LGBT+ have had a big breakthrough this week with many colleges flying the rainbow flag to mark the start of LGBT+ History Month 2016. The gesture opens a month of talks and events designed to shed light on LGBT+ issues. Unfortunately, not all colleges have bought into the flags, with colleges including Jesus and Girton under pressure from their JCRs to fly the flags before the month is up.

Here at The Tab we got awfully excited when reports came through that there had been a fire at the Regal Wetherspoons. However, when we called the venue, we were informed by the manager that there had simply been an “electrical fault”. We ran the article anyway because the pictures looked really cool, and we’re fans of Casacada’s banger “evacuate the dance floor”. Thankfully, no-one was reported injured.

Barbara Cantab

Just an ordinary student’s take on the news.

The silent (very small) minority

As mentioned in our news summary, the student body has voted for CUSU to introduce a Disabled Students’ Officer. There were only 336 votes against the motion versus 4315 for. The “Yes” campaigners were extremely vocal, with the minority of “No” voters remaining almost entirely silent… UNTIL NOW.

When asked “what are you most proud of” during an episode of Cindecent Exposure, a student replied, “I’m one of the only 2 people who voted no for the CUSU disabilities full-time person officer.” They continued, “people know who I am before they meet me, and I don’t enjoy that anymore.” That must be really tough for you.

Student bigotry

Clare College stopped serving beef after their Green Officer had it banned for environmental reasons. Some bewildered Clare students fought back against this decision at the time, saying, “If cows are so bad for the environment. We should just eat them.”

This story took a turn for the unpleasant after students were asked to send in feedback about the Clare food. One respondent anonymously requested the return of beef in the buttery because they “hate Hindus”. Racism: clearly the best way to get what you want.

An email was sent out by College officials rightfully condemning the behaviour as “unacceptable”.

However, Jay Kaur, a first-year student said the episode was “actually quite upsetting because some people still found it funny. Even though the email was sent out, it felt like no one took it seriously”.

Selwyn or Lose

Jellie has learnt that St. John’s drinking society is not the only one home to some complete morons. On a swap at Curry King last Sunday, the Selwyn male drinking society were enjoying some curry and cocktails in preparation for Sunday Life, when one of their members got up and said “Fine if you hate disabled people.”

Harebrained TCS 

On the topic of drinking societies, Jellie were left slightly confused after reading TCS’ deputy editor Stevie Hertz’s article on swaps. Stevie wrote a positive account of her swap with the male drinking society, in which she celebrated the fact she was not forced to do anything she did not consent to, such as swapping clothes or drinking excessively. The girls looked out for each other, making sure they knew each other were safe. Much to her surprise, the boys were also genteel, even being “strangely protective of my handbag when I put it down in the club”.

However, Stevie does mention that there was a “deeper undercurrent of homophobia in the evening”, as evidenced when “one boy got a fine because he admitted that ‘he had a boyfriend'”.

She continues, “It felt inherent to the whole idea of it being an opportunity for men and women to meet. Despite the conscious feminism in other areas, there was a pervasive assumption that to be there, you had to be straight.”

However, thankfully, despite the “twinges of awkwardness” throughout the evening, “I had a good night… I was fully prepared to be outraged. But I found no reason to be.”

Stevie, we’re glad you felt safe, although if that’s the benchmark of a good night you’re setting the bar very low. Also, it’s good to see that the undercurrents of homophobia didn’t get in your way of having a nice time!

May Ball Mayhem

Jellie have noticed a lot of activity over the past few days on the Facebook Mayball Marketplace, the forum where desperate students seek to buy and sell tickets to some of the most expensive, exclusive, elitist university piss-ups. One mysterious individual, featuring a pair of blue jeans as his Facebook profile picture, has been accused of trying to “exploit Cambridge students”.

Jellie thinks that the only thing you have to be suspicious of are people shamelessly posting to rack in those FB likes!!!!

Meanwhile, some of the university have offered quite spectacular sacrifices just in order to ascertain tickets to Trinity May Ball. It looks like this student has already eaten into their student loan, looking instead for a benevolent Trinity student to offer them a free ticket in exchange for the burden of a baby. The logic is impeccable.

No You Khant

Muhammad Asadullah Khan is a Union debater, and professed “man of honour”. The Khan Klan rallied support for the Trinity student by initiating a “Khan for BNOC” campaign. This reached an all-time high in the run-up to yesterday’s Tab BNOC results. There were petitions on asking the Tab for #justiceforkhan…

Comments on various Tab articles…

At least 3 campaign videos and even flyers. That’s right, they went online and paid a presumably not insubstantial amount of money for glossy flyers, which started cropping up all around Cambridge. One particularly ardent supporter of Khan went so far as to sneak a flyer into the decorations in Lotus Thai, the popular swap-venue.

However, the aggressive canvassing did not stop there. Our Editor and in-house photographer Xavier Bisits found a deluge of flyers in his bedroom in Trinity. Creepy much?


Magdalene college have bought in special Valentine’s Day themed condoms, featuring a red love heart with an arrow entering via the front of the left atrium and exiting through the back of the right. Love is in the air. Beware: Medics lacking understanding of visual metaphors might find the use of these condoms distressing.

The email pleas students to tell the welfare officer, Adam Uddin, if they want the protective sheaths soon, otherwise they will run out. We fear it might be too late.

Get Real – Get Real

Get Real magazine is a radical left-wing student publication based in Cambridge. It is the official publication of CUSU LGBT, and exists to “platform LGBT+ voices and issues”. The magazine was thrust into the public eye last year following an altercation between Em Travis and Hesham Mashhour (#10BNOC), and the former’s attempt to oust the latter.

The 22nd of January saw Get Real  publish an article which included a content warning (CN) for “swearing”.

This might have been surprising to some readers as the front cover of the most recent edition of the same magazine features the profanity “bullshit”. Was there a CW for this one…?

Union of Liars and Cheats

Jellie have spotted evidence of the Cambridge Union Society providing a platform for individuals offering cheating services to students at the university. Free-speech gone too far?

However, in a stunning ideological lapse, the post appears to have been removed from the group. Perhaps the Union has reconsidered its stance on #freezepeach and no-platforming.

 No Filter Fail 

#NoFilterCambridge, the campaign started by the university’s Christian Union, has been the subject of much mockery. A parody poster cropping up in several different colleges, adjacent to the original poster, which urges students to learn more about Jesus over coffee and cake, has got the cynically atheist among us snickering.

These posters accuse #NoFilterCamridge of trying to “peer pressure you into accepting a Fundamentalist Evangelical Christian dogma, under threat of eternal damnation”. It tells students to “expect implicit homophobia and sexism, as well as socially damaging opinions on a host of other issues, from people who seem really really friendly!”


Some uplifting news (for once). Students at Clare College have received an email on behalf of the Senior Tutor of Sidney Sussex thanking three anonymous Clareites “who recently came to the aid of one of Sidney’s students”.

Jackie Tasioulas wrote how, “as acting Senior Tutor, I hear things about your achievements and behaviour that make me proud of Clare students every day.” Quoting an Email from Senior Tutor Max Beber at Sidney, the email reads, “on behalf of the Porters, and of the pastoral team, I would like to convey our admiration and gratefulness for the actions of three students from Claire.”

Pray 4 #chundergraduates


Week 4’s comment of the week comes from a confuddled Cantab, who lamented that they “have no idea who any of these” BNOCs are. One respondent suggested a remedy to their confusion was to get out more. We found this exchange rather endearing.

See you next week Cantabs.