Tab tries: Horoscopes

Hello. I’m the new mystic in town giving you some celestial heads up for the upcoming fortnight.

If I get anything right please do send pictures in!

“Pat’s on the right” – Credit: Elliott Wright ft. Michelangelo

Aries

Don’t get in any water, people of the Aries inclination! No, this week you must avoid everything from baths, to pools, to puddles – when Uranus is doing what it’s doing (heh) you have an increased risk of shark attacks. Only go out if you have to, and you have access to a bigger boat.

Taurus

Bulls – welcome to Loversville! You might miss the exit for Good-Essay-Burg and there was a diversion around Findingthebargaininsains-bury, but Loversville is in the satnav! For singles and couples inclusively.

Gemini

Lordy Lordy Lorde – bad luck my precious Gems, you’re going to have a one hell of a bitchy message from a supervisor, probably telling you how if this was 1692 in Salem they would go find Reverend John Hale and say they saw you levitate.

Cancer

The easy horoscope is that you’ve probably got crabs – not only is it the crab one, but the only Cancer I know has them and we in the horoscope writing community found this quite amusing. Having said this, if I look deeper at the stars they’re telling me that Richard Ayoade actively hates you this week, whether he knows you or not. Poor you, Richard’s a lovely fellow, Lord knows what you did to upset him.

Been outed.

Leo

Oh dear.. As Saturn enters your 9th House, the astral forces will encourage thieves to enter your actual, non-astral house. Lock your doors and windows and read up on how the courts are siding with hitting a home invader.

Virgo

This week, as with every week, you’re probably a bastard. Sort yourself out, people would like you more. Is Donald Trump a Virgo? I bet he is, I should google that.

Libra

There’s a backspin of mercury through libra until the 9th of October, which means you haven’t got long until your post Wimbledon tennis tekkers disappear until the following year. Get to Jesus Green and show your college dad who’s boss!

When tennis and chill isn’t what you thought it was going to be

Scorpio

Ooft, get ready for this, but there’s a little blighter ready to cause you some harm – the religious extremist of the internal organs: the appendix. And it’s ready to blow. Enjoy the valid excuse not to go to lectures for a fortnight.

Sagittarius

You’re in luck this week guys. The chakras have fallen in such a way that there’s is a 92% chance of you not getting kicked out of a club! Good on you.

Capricorn

Are you looking for a job? Because if you are, something might come your way this week. Or not, I don’t know how good your CV is. Oh, and because Mercury is knocking on (the) seven(th house)’s door, the job is going to be in bus seat designing. Enjoy that.

*Insert Bob Dylan/Bus pun*

Aquarius

There’s a 1 in 4 chance that this week your Netflix account will run out. For the sake of you and your parasites/friends and family, make sure you have the money – Prison Break isn’t going to watch itself.

Pisces

The stars have foretold that one of you has the book on sexuality in Catullus’ poetry that I need to do my essay. It’s in basically every college library bar mine so if you would be so kind as to take it back to the faculty I will not punch the goat I’ve taken hostage. Thank you.

Stock photo of goat. Imagine this goat, but held hostage. That’s the situation.

Good luck!