Turn your cramped student room into an autumnal haven

It’s that time of year again. Within a matter of hours, a cold slab of air from somewhere to the northwest (probably Iceland, the land of ice) will have slapped its clammy abdomen all over the UK.

Cambridge feels decidedly autumnal, with temperatures that are lower than what they were only days before.

Weather changes

In traditionalist circles, the month of October (or Octobrus, if you prefer to be authentic) is a solemn period for making offerings to the Great Spirit of Autumn. This supernatural entity is thought to walk the fields and occasionally the suburbs of small towns, just like our own beloved Cambridge, and judges our homes based on the splendour of our autumnal decorations.

If on his nomadic wanderings he comes across sub par ornamentation, do not be surprised to find your cereal box filled with dry beech leaves or that your eyes have turned into conkers.

Mellow fruitfulness

He judges the many

Avoiding this punishment is easy for those with real jobs and careers who buy pre-made autumnal products, like those weird gold spray painted bits of twig or giant pine cones studded with semi-precious stones, that they sell at big department stores like John Lewis. For the impoverished many however, it can be a more challenging affair.

Fear not! I am here to explain to you how to autumn-ise your room for no money at all.

Foliage is free

A stroll around any local bit of woodland should garner you not only with plenty of ideas for your renovation, but also a good deal of dead wood if you know what to look for.

Often, humans with fertile gardens, and especially those whose gardens have overhanging hedges or trees, may trim their foliage in order to make it easier on the eye.

In suburban Cambridge, I managed to find a whole stack of freshly cut sycamore branches lying discarded and wasted on a verge behind a traffic cone.

We’ve hit the fucking motherload

Beyond the near endless possibilities of creative wreath making offered by foraged sticks, they can also be simply strewn over unsightly parts of the domicile.

On your woodland excursion, also consider finding elusive yet powerful scented herbs and spices from our own British countryside. A generous sprinkling of rosemary, lavender, or pine needles can impart a powerful odour and cover up any unwanted smells e.g. kebab wrappers.

Consider simply chopping your scavenged sticks (or even, if you’re feeling less adventurous, some long grass or reeds) into manageable pieces, to be inserted jauntily into a used beer bottle, honey pot, or anchovy jar and kept from going dead with a bit of water.

Be humble, not a vanity idiot

If you really want to go overboard and actually spend some money, consider hanging your wreath – stuck together with humble masking tape or superglue – from a reasonably priced picture hook, available from most DIY stores or the big B&Q. And yes, if you really want to go the whole sweating hog you could pick up a can of gold spray paint to make your sticks look sort of like the ones from John Lewis, and then you’ll be having the last laugh!

Personally, I opted to perch a robust pear tree branch that I found next to a skip over the more cluttered portions of my desk in its natural state. Once I’d got rid of the disgusting insects and rotten fruit, the effect was one of great warmth and spiritual comfort.

Ah that’s better

I bid you heed wisdom, and wish ye well in these times of darkness.