Diary of a 3rd Year: From the Fray

More musing in the depths of a finalist’s exam term from KATIE MAIR.

Caitlin Moran dj khaled finals LAUREN AND MOLLIE LOVE THE KIBSTER marmite old mother hubbard rihanna Shakespeare sting swimming tartar sauce third year tina turner work experience

Recently, I have been spending a lot of time on something psychologists might call an ‘erratic emotional horse’, careering from hour to hour and veering wildly between “Just what is all the fuss about? I am just such a chiller. Look at me, wearing an extra sweater to cope with all the chilling I’m doing. I am the Ice Queen. I am Ice T. I am Mousse T. What’s a final?” and “OHGAD, why is my brain so bare and bald? I am Old Mother Hubbard’s cupboard. Rihanna, Sting, someone, anyone:  S-O-BLOODY-S ME. Which hand do I write with?”

Galloping from one extreme to the other is proving a bit tiring. As a result of this tiredness, some bad decisions have been made. I use the passive voice here because like all good English students I refuse to take responsibility for my own bullshit.

See, I’m doing exam practice! Anyway. Some things that were stupid that I did that you can read to make you feel less bad about your own untamed emotional derbies:

• Accidentally put tartare sauce all over my curry at hall. It was not the cooling mint dip I thought it was.

Curry condiment it is not

Curry condiment it is not

• Burnt a small hole in my duvet after leaving a lamp on in my bed for an entire day and night. Discovered the problem after scenting out some toast and going to investigate. It wasn’t burning bread, but burning blanket. Who knew! We can learn from this an important lesson: being greedy saves lives.

• Started growing cress in my room in a bid to bring the outdoors indoors – the mind being like a garden, etc. It has since withered and died, just like my dreams of academic success.

Feeling CRESStfallen

Feeling cresstfallen

• In an effort to look beyond exams, I sort of agreed to some summer work at the company I worked for on my Gap Year. This is the office where I met Truly Incredibly Bad Tony, a man I went out with for quite some time and then broke up with quite dramatically in front of Kings College on Halloween 2010. My reasoning was that it would be very funny to go back and do a live twitter feed about all the awkward vibes around the water cooler, but Best Friend Jess has pointed out that this is essentially ‘suicide’ and there is a strong chance he will put staples in my sandwiches while I’m busy in the filing cabinet.

• Went swimming with Really Great Bry. Forgot my pants. Went swimming with Really Great Bry. Forgot my bra.

Skinny dipping's a thing, right?

Skinny dipping’s a thing, right?

• Had to bin the dust jacket from my Complete Works of Willy S because my lunch got liberated from its box and the book got all moistened with chilli sauce. This one scene speaks volumes about the skewed distribution of my Priorities In Life, and as such the likely outcome of these exams.

• Listened to Three Lions, the ’98 remix, in the library. Wept at the part where Jonathon Pearce gets so excited he just totally loses his shit and starts screaming. Henry V can do one: “THAT WAS MAJESTIC” remains the most potent patriotic moment in the language.

So, as you can see, closer to demented moody donkey than glorious shiny unicorn.

However, I would like to point out that life has not suddenly stopped just because Cindies has. I’m still getting out there and living life. That is, between all the time I’m spending being hugely relaxed and chilled. And killing my cress and setting my bedroom on fire.

Stay tuned for From The Fray: Part II, coming soon.