V Day Decisions

ALI LEWIS on what to buy her if you want to get laid this Hallmark Holiday.

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Valentine’s Day is upon us. You will be aware of this for several reasons. Firstly, it falls on the same day every year and most people have a calendar. Secondly, every restaurant in town will be booked. Thirdly, and most importantly, because every opinion piece, every blog, every editorial and article will be written by some lonely, bitter, vindictive hack complaining about all the “sickening” couples around them “smooching” away, and competing with all the other writers about just how lonely and pathetic their Valentine’s Day is going to be.

Valentine’s Day hate tends to come from three different camps. First, there’s the aforementioned ‘I’m so lonely and all the couples around me are so loved-up’ camp. Second, there’s the ‘Valentine’s Day is just another meaningless consumption-driven holiday perpetuated by the corporations / capitalism / Nestle’ camp. This viewpoint tends to be associated with trust-fund revolutionaries staring awkwardly at their pointy shoes as they swap elaborate metaphors outside Kambar. Finally, there’s the ‘if they were really spontaneous, they wouldn’t need a special day for presents and love, they’d just come out of the blue’ viewpoint perpetuated by really demanding girlfriends who think that life is an amalgamation of ‘Love Actually’ and ‘Cinderella’.

Now, there’s a lot going for each of these viewpoints. I mean, yeah, it isn’t fun being alone on Valentine’s Day, and yeah, the world probably doesn’t need any more cute little teddy bears with ‘I love you!!!’ written on them. And more than anything else, it is true that you don’t need a special day to tell someone how you feel or to give someone a little present. But seriously girls, your boyfriend isn’t Hugh Grant, don’t expect him to do something incredibly cute and spontaneous all of the time. For starters, if you tell him to be more spontaneous, you’ve immediately shot yourself in the foot: if he stays the same, you’ve still got the same boring boyfriend only now you’ve made him feel bad, and if he does change, he’s only being ‘spontaneous’ because you told him to.

At the end of the day, it would be nice for love to be spontaneous, and it would be nice if the whole charade wasn’t made disgustingly tacky by the good people at Clinton Cards, but if for one day of the year, some girls feel good because their boyfriend bought them some overpriced flowers from a petrol station and some ill-fitting lingerie that’s just a little bit more slutty than they would have chosen themselves, then please, let’s just leave them to it.

So, for all those couples who still hold hands and look into each other’s eyes when they have sex, and for all those lonely singletons reading this in their PJs with a tub of Haagendaaz in one hand and a rampant rabbit in the other, here’s a little look at what people could get up to tomorrow.

The Gifts

Perfume: Perfume can be lovely. Girls (apparently) love perfume. But this is the kind of thing that can go either way. Whilst your girlfriend will love a nice, understated classy perfume, she will not appreciate smelling like the latest celebrity. Steer clear from eau de penis by Lady Gaga and you should be alright.
Chocolates: Chocolates will make your girlfriend fat. Is that what you want? Is it? If you do buy them, do the only decent thing and eat them all yourself. She’ll love you for that.
Lingerie: Is your girlfriend not slutty enough for you? Want to irrevocably lower her self-esteem by buying them two sizes too small? Then lingerie is the perfect gift. Remember that not only will she look nothing like the girl on the La Senza poster, but also you’ll have to coax her out of the bathroom promising that her new thong doesn’t make her arse look like Beth Ditto being chopped in half with a cheese wire.

Sex Toys: The perfect gift for when you’ve given up on your ability to satisfy your girlfriend. That’s right; just accept that, despite millions of years of evolution to perform just this one small feat, £20 worth of moulded plastic with an AA battery inside can do it better than you. How come Durex condoms are ribbed for her pleasure, but Darwinism can’t provide us with a simple vibration function?

Teddy Bears: You’ve met the girl of your dreams, your heart is soaring, every touch is butterflies, every kiss is a breathless addiction…how can you possibly express exactly how you feel? “Oh wait, what’s that? There a teddy bear that says ‘I’m yours’ on it, that’s perfect!’ If your love can only be expressed on the loveheart level, and that seriously the only way that you think you can express your unique feelings about the one you love is by having them stitched onto a bear, then fair enough, but it ain’t the most original.

Flowers: Listen guys, it’s getting really late, and it really doesn’t matter what I say, you’re gonna get her flowers anyway. That’s alright though: girls, for some unfuckingknown reason, love flowers.

The Activities

Restaurant: This is a classic. Champagne, caviar and candlelight, or cheap plonk and Pizza Express, it doesn’t really matter, as long as it’s just a little bit more than you can afford. Girls – please, please, please, forget feminism, forget equality for just a moment and let your boyfriend be a man. He wants to pay, when you offer to pay what you are actually saying to him is ‘You have a small penis and I don’t think you can provide for me’.

Cook Her A Meal: This is actually quite sweet. If it all goes well then you’ll wow her with your culinary skills, if you fuck up, she’ll tell all her friends how you were so sweet and you tried, and either way, they’re pretty much obligated to sleep with you.

Cinema: perfect for when you’ve reached that point in your relationship where you’ve run out of things to say, but don’t yet hate each other.

Ice-Skating: This is only really on here because I couldn’t think of anything else to do on a Valentine’s Day date (see the whole ‘men are not Hugh Grant and aren’t very imaginative, deal with it’ section above). Still, this is ideal if you’ve passed into that stage in your relationship where you actually wouldn’t overly mind if the other one got injured. Go on mate, do it. It’ll look like an accident. Run away, she’s only holding you back anyway.

Whatever you do, just try to stay calm, relax and don't care too much. Nine times out of ten she won't be happy no matter what you do. Women.