Estate Cars and Wham Bars.

I have a feeling that some people are going to get very upset for what I’m about to do.. And to be quite frank, I’m not sure that I wont upset myself. But life’s all about taking risks ladies and germs – if Dappy (of N-Dubz fame) hadn’t at some point thought to himself, ‘you know what old fruit, I’d look dashed ripping in this alpine hat’, a whole generation of inner-city teenagers would have been denied a fashion movement – ‘the retard hat’. There can be no doubt that Dappy was concerned about the potential success/failure of the retard hat and in much the same way, I am presented with my very own ‘retard hat’: Jamie Cullum.

Now not in a thousand years would I call this a ringing endorsement of all-things-Cullum, although it should be noted that he is friends with Clint Eastwood and in some circles, that is endorsement enough. Prior to hearing this song and writing this article, however, words I would have used to describe Jamie Cullum include ‘pap’ and ‘crusts’. Given that I’m writing for the Tab I might have even riffed off calling the little jazz hobbit ‘Jamie Cull-him’ or something (on second thoughts, probably not). It is generally accepted that his audience consists of middle aged people at christmas drinks parties, and middle aged people driving home from said parties in their diesel estate cars. He sits so squarely between two Poles (Jazz and Pop, not north and south) that he sort of cancels himself out and becomes nothing.

The thing about Jamie Cullum doing a cover of Rihanna’s Don’t Stop the Music, is that he is playing one of Rihanna’s songs called ‘Don’t Stop The Music’.

This song is loved by teenage girls the world over: girls who are old enough to go to Ballare, girls who aren’t old enough to go to Ballare, but still go anyway (this is against the law), girls who just sit at home at get off their tits on wham bars and diet coke – they all love it! Even some boys like it.. no wait.. just our Editor-in-Chief. On the Youtube website, Rihanna’s music video has been viewed over one hundred million times. This is more views than Cullum has had hot dinners. Again, prior to actually hearing this track, phrases I might have used to describe Cullum include ‘midget song-thief’ and ‘attempter of musical thunder stealings’.

But then I finally heard the cover. And it is lovely. I know for a FACT that my Mum will love it. I ALSO know that the teenagers I saw stocking up on sugary snacks at the corner shop this morning will love it too. I also think I love it! The double bass intro, the suspended chords leading up to the chorus, the drumming in the chorus, the showy-offy middle eight, even the video – I loved each bit. I don’t know that the implications of making this statement will be. I might get laughed at, or perhaps someone will slap me on the forehead. Who knows.. maybe I’ll find my self at a service station just off the M4 cramming wham bars down my throat. Much like Dappy 3 years ago, I JUST CAN’T TELL WHAT’LL HAPPEN. Damn and Blast You Jamie Cullum! Jamie Cullum is a Retard Hat!