Bearded warriors: These men are fighting for masculinity everywhere

Turns out the hipsters are just following a genetic trend

national noad

Next time you hear a self-proclaimed hipster with the big bushy beard claim “I grew my beard before it was cool” call bullshit.

That beard is woven out of lies.

The beard is a trend that occurs every ten years or so, and we are at peak beardy time. Every decade there is a supposed “attack” on masculinity in society, and the only answer to this problem is to bin that shaver and let the manliness shine.


And it works. We would believe the bearded man if he told us he just got back from the woods (where he was chopping logs) after fighting a grizzly with his bare hands.

Stewart is on the bearded side on this matter and he’s been showcasing his masculinity for months now. He said: “I’ve always been the baby of my friend group, yet I was one of the first to be able to grow a beard so it allows me to seem a little more grown up among peers.


Very bloody manly.

“My dad has a full beard and moustache too, and he doesn’t suit clean shaven, people say I look like him so I tend to think beards suit better me too.”

Stewart agrees with the study about masculinity coming under attack: “I think manhood has taken a massive dive, with reality TV shows a lot of men feel the need to excessively groom themselves even getting to the stage that makeup is involved.

“I think growing a beard shows a disregard for this attitude and allows men to get back to their masculine side.”


Do you need some of my testosterone?

But he isn’t just growing his beard to revolt against the metrosexual wave and stop staff from asking him for I.D to see a 12 movie at the cinema. He does have other favorite things about having a beard: “Not shaving! And I’ve been told I’m more attractive with one than without.”

Beards also fulfill a practical purpose in the winter months. One fresher knows all too well how useful a furry face can be: “I had to walk about two miles to uni every morning and the cold was becoming a problem so I figured a beard was a functional solution.


“Functional solution.”

“From there I decided to see how far I could go with it – it got pretty long before I had to trim it to look a bit more professional for work.”

Like Stewart, this bearded warrior gets pulses going with his hairy chin: “I’ve had people come up and buy me drinks when it was at it’s longest, just because they found it so majestic to behold.

“I also like stroking it – the beard that is. It’s really therapeutic and relaxing.”

But much like tattoos, the problem with beards is friends thinking they are public property to be played with.


Would you mess with this?

Scott rocked a sculptured beard for a considerable amount of time but he’s recently decided to jump sides: “Girls seem to think that just because you have a beard it’s an invitation for them to tub your face or tug it (the beard)! Drove me nuts.

“You have to completely change the way you eat as if you drop the tiniest wee bit there’s no telling how long it will be until you find it.

“Drinking pints gets messy too.”


You can practically see his Y chromosome depleting.

Like Jesus, Scott’s beard was born on Christmas day: “I was in the pub with a few of my mates and one of them challenged me to grow a beard with him until Christmas Day 2014.

“He only lasted a month or so but then I grew strangely attached to mine and couldn’t even consider shaving it off.

“I was terrified I’d regret it and have to start all over again then one day I woke up and just knew it was time to get rid of the whole eight months growth and I haven’t looked back since.”


But while shaving it off might have been fun, Scott does miss his face accessory: “I do get beard envy from time to time.

“Of course I felt manlier, there’s nothing more manly than a big beard.”


So that’s why all barmen have beards.

While his fight may be over we’re grateful for Scott’s battle for our masculinity.

But the biggest concern is for hipsters everywhere – if they shave it off they lose significant hipster points, and yet if they keep it they’re just sheep following what their ancestors have done for generations.

Either way, if you’ve got a beard and you haven’t done the Scott dandelion beard garden look then you really don’t deserve one.