Clive’s Column #1

 Dear Clive

I recently broke up with my long term girlfriend. We got together at the tender age of 15 and have been living together since moving to university together 3 years ago. Due to our current living situation in a tiny one bedroom flat we have hung up a sheet to divide our spacious double bed so we both have our own privacy. I find myself sobbing into the pillow and unable to sleep at night. Please help Clive, I can’t live like this any more!!

Dear Dumpee,
Before we start, I’m going to assume you’re male. If that’s the case, then I’m also going to assume that the sheet dividing your bed at the moment leaves you with the traditional 10% of bed space that males are allocated in normal heterosexual relationships. If this is not the case, and you are receiving more than 10%, then stop complaining. You’re doing better than most of us.

If, however, my assumptions are correct (which they usually are), then you have two options:

Option 1: Continue the division motif going on in your bedroom at the moment by also installing insulation between the two sides of the bed to prevent noise pollution. If you feel so inclined, hire some builders to construct a wall in the centre of the bed. Should your relationship become kindled once more, you could hire some joiners to come in and install a door in the wall, or a window if you’re taking things slow. If there’s no chance of getting back together but you’re not over her, consider installing a balcony for stalking purposes.

Eventually, your bedroom should be visible from space!

Option 2: I like to call this the “Psycho” Option. Let me put it this way: at one point, one of you is going to need to move out, and it sure as hell isn’t going to be you! You can use that sheet dividing the bed to your advantage, and here’s how:

• Purchase a lamp and a ghetto blaster.
• Set up the lamp so that your silhouette is projected onto the sheet and your ex can see everything you’re doing in shadow form.
• Get a tape of the soundtrack from the movie Psycho. Here’s a handy link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xhx_B45xxxQ
• Have a friend ready to come in at your side with a fake knife (or a real one if you’re feeling devil may care)
• When you know your ex is on her side of the room, turn on the lamp and play the music. Have your friend come in and motion as if he’s stabbing you.
• For the next few weeks, just lie on your bed in a pile of ketchup.

The beauty of this method is that the more time she takes to leave, the more repulsive it will become to stay. You’ll have to urinate and defecate at some point. Good; the bodily fluids seeping from your side of the bed to hers, along with the stench of expired ketchup, should be more than enough to get rid of her. Should she call an ambulance and have you carted to hospital, bribe the paramedics to have you declared dead on arrival. Stay away from your flat for a few days. Hopefully she’s not such a despicable human being that she would stay in the same flat as where her ex died. If she is, come back dressed as a zombie.

We’ve also found this silhouette to be an effective motivator.

  Dear Clive,

 I have fancied my tutor for months, ever since I walked into a dark room in the bowels of Meston one rainy Tuesday afternoon. I am a homosexual male, however I am struggling to work out Dr Xs sexual orientation. His outfits say one thing, though his manly husky voice says another. Normally my gaydar is spot on however I just cant tell if he’s a John or a Jean. Should I risk it and make a move at the end of class next week?

Dear Mincing in Meston,
There is an obvious solution to your problem:

Devil’s Threesome. If your tutor doesn’t make eye contact during the Eiffel Tower, he’s not gay.

My god, it’s…beautiful…

You’re welcome.

  Dear Clive, 

 I’m having some troubles at work. I like to take advantage of the fact that I can get paid to poo, however one of my colleague seems to be in sync with my bodily functions and always goes right before I get a chance to, blocking the toilet and leaving it unusable for the rest of my shift. Considering it’s just a part time job should I quit and find another which will allow me to poo in peace?

Dear Terrible Employee,

Yes.

If you have a problem you’d like Clive to help with, write to us at [email protected].