The 5 kinds of dissertation arsehole

This is the absolute worst time in a 4th year students university experience – the last few weeks before your dissertation is due.

It’s the piece of work that proves the past 4 years have not been a total waste of time and you actually know what you are talking about… at least, that’s the theory anyway.

As stress levels run high and the pressure of your fast-approaching deadline kicks in, it is a reassuring comfort to know that you are not alone.

Most people consider their fellow 4th years to be a helpful support system – everyone talks in hushed voices, nobody gets in to those awful thesis specifics for fear of inducing a heart attack; and a quick glance of despair will be received with a well-rehearsed motivational speech that leaves you feeling like you can achieve anything.

Find these people. These people are your friends.
What will not help you in any way, shape or form is what will now be referred to as “the Dissertation Arsehole“.

The 5 Dissertation Arseholes:

#1 The Talker

They talk. All the time. You might not be able to see over the mountain of books surrounding you….but you can hear them alright. Oh, you can hear them.

While you are desperately pouring over every bloody sentence (and blocking out the fact that you can’t remember the last time you showered), they are the definition of calm and collected.

You have 30 tabs open whilst flicking through 4 books desperately searching for that quote…from that guy….that’s from….Canada?? They are mindlessly scrolling through their newsfeed and saying things like:

“I feel like I really need a night off from all this tonight,” as they wave a hand over your pile of work, “I just really really want to go out..” Cue raised eyebrows, a suggestive smile and intense eye contact.

Are you fucking kidding me?!?

No, don’t lose it. You are simply being tested by a dissertation-esque higher power. Politely decline their suggestion and carry on with your work. Or drag them by their hair to the top floor of the library and throw them down the middle. Whatever.

No judgements.

#2 The Eater

Ok, this sounds harsh. I am fully aware of comfort eating; eating to distract yourself or just eating out of sheer, never-ending boredom. Food is amazing.

However.

There is always that one person, while you are producing an endless stream of books/notepads/stationary from your bag, and yeah they are doing the same….but with food. Apples, crisps, anything in a wrapper, anything that will reach the nose of every person within a 3 mile radius. THE CRUNCHIER THE BETTER.

#3 Chris Tarrent

“How many words have you done?”

“Does this sentence make sense?”

“What referencing system are you using?”

“What time should we go for lunch?”

 

You know deep down, somewhere, maybe you still love this person. But you have watched too many episodes of CSI, your eye is doing some weird twitchy thing  – and every time they answer their own question your tenuous grasp on sanity slips a little more.

Avoid this arsehole at all costs.

#4 The Zombie

This is the best of a bad bunch and definitely the least likely to REALLY piss you off. However, their constant moaning, yawning and head–thumping is enough to irritate anyone under extreme conditions.

They can be easily recognised by their favourite line, which they will repeat over and over to anyone who listens: “I just work so much better at night.”

WHAT!?

Actually this would be fine, except for the one tiny flaw in their plan. They also have to get up for classes DURING THE DAY.

For a more in depth analysis on how to 1) spot these people and 2) avoid them, you can literally just watch any episode of the walking dead.

#5 The Fake Worrier

The worst possible Dissertation Arsehole. Seriously. Do not approach this person, do not make eye contact with them and cross the road if you see them coming.

The only objective this person has is to make themselves feel better, purely by making you feel worse. Their technique is simple but effective: They will always start the conversation by telling you how much they still have to do, effortlessly lulling you in to a false sense of security.

Once you have shared the fact that you still have 3000 words to write and have not even made a start on referencing they will calmly tell you how much you’ve done and that you have plenty of time! Then in one quick sentence they will crush all of your hopes and dreams. Usually something along the lines of:

“I can’t believe I only have 3 weeks to proof-read everything. Freaking out! Ok, byeee.”

Total. Fucking. Arsehole.