There are 11 lockdown personalities and I’m about to tell you which one you are
This is your future
It’s felt like forever since Boris Johnson told us we weren’t allowed to leave the house unless it was vitally necessary due to the coronavirus pandemic. Since then, he’s gone to hospital himself, and we’ve been told the pubs might not reopen until Christmas – yikes.
Everything is surreal, and now that we’re weeks into lockdown distinct personality types forged in the fires of cabin fever are starting to emerge.
Did you decide to get really into gaming and nab a Switch before the shops shut, or did you plough the money into setting up a home gym? Maybe you did neither of those things because you’re sitting in the corner of your bedroom quivering in fear after reading your ninth conspiracy theory of the day. Below you’ll find every type of lockdown persona you could one day assume. This is your life now:
Because there really aren’t that many flames Instagram posts you can get out of the inside of your house, the TikToker has decided to use this time to become TikTok famous. They’ll rope their families into dances, film dumb skits not even their best mates can pretend to find funny, and plug everything they create on all their other social media platforms. They are, and I cannot stress this enough, insufferable.
The one who shaves their head
He was too much of a pussy to do it before coronavirus due to him being worried what his skull would look like with no hair to hide it. Either that, or he’s really bored or didn’t get his haircut in time before all the barbers shut. Whatever the reason, he’s gone through with it, only showed his Close Friends on Instagram and now has to live with his mum saying “you had such nice hair!” for the next two months whilst it regrows.
The Zoom pub quiz host
The weirdest thing about the Zoom pub quiz host is that he wasn’t all that sociable before lockdown. But now that socialising doesn’t involve showering or leaving the house he can’t wait to get you all in a Skype chat (or Houseparty) with you all over a pint because it’s just so novel and fun. No, David, this isn’t normal please go on your daily allotted jog.
The one who bought a Switch and now lives in Animal Crossing
Aside from the entire contents of most supermarkets, the Great British public panic bought two things: Gym equipment and video games consoles. Falling firmly into the latter camp, this one spends their days on an imaginary Island paying debts to Tom Nook while they ignore the very real outside space in their gardens and the real debts they have to pay.
The one who got into Sims… way too into Sims
The Sims is what the Animal Crossing nerds would be playing if they were Fiat 500 girls. Look, it’s no secret Sims is probably the most basic game ever, but you have to hand it to EA – dropping the price of the game to £11 in the middle of lockdown was genius, and now you can spend hours indulging your inner psychopath as you let your childhood crush die by starvation just so Death himself will come to your house and you can marry him. You freak.
The incoming yogi
Has decided these three months of isolation will be the perfect time to actually learn how to do a downward-facing dog and maybe even bridge. Bought a juicer off Amazon, has stocked the freezer with frozen fruit and has decided to give vegetarian cooking ‘a go’. Now lives in Lulu Lemon leggings or other expensive gym gear and is ecstatic about it.
The home workout neek
Different to the incoming yogi, in that this person wants the whole damn world to know they are being fit and healthy and a better person than you’ll ever be. They most certainly have some kind of home-gym in their parents’ house (where they are isolating), including but not limited to a rowing machine, cycling machine and a decent set of weights, which they record themselves using on Insta daily. They have done the 5k challenge twice. In two weeks’ time, they’ve canned it in and are doing TikTok dances instead. The cycle is cruel and vicious.
The conspiracy theorist
That person on your Facebook timeline who sometimes shares some casually racist post from some dodgy-looking, sweaty group, is now filling the TL with paragraph after paragraph of theories about how coronavirus is from 5G, finishing off with statements like “China should be paying for the NHS for this!!!” Sigh.
The extremely horny one
When Boris announced the lockdown this person wasn’t thinking about stockpiling loo roll or worriedly organising a lift back home on the family WhatsApp, they were crying over when their next dick appointment was realistically going to be. They’ve been frantically contacting all their exes, have at least two boys on the go who they’re sexting every single day and have sent so many nudes this week, they could fill the Turbine Hall in Tate Modern. Will have certainly messaged the girls chat with horny memes, and the message “I’m going to spend this time letting my hair get healthy, skin glowing with no makeup and abs for when lockdown is lifted”.
The newfound hobbyist
Spunked £40 on Amazon buying watercolours, a sketch pad and fancy pens. Started a virtual book club. Downloaded Duolingo with the intention of finally learning Italian. YouTubed knitting tutorials, despite learning how to make a scarf in summer making zero sense. Dusted off Mary Berry’s cookbook and made one solitary, passable attempt at a Victoria Sponge. Told the whole world about their new self-isolation hobbies which absolutely no one, not one single soul, cares about.
The one who’s dealing with it worryingly well
Going outside, seeing their mates and having a social life has never been the norm for this person, so country-wide lockdown is basically just another day. They see all the panicked tweets and laugh to themselves because they’ve been practising their whole life for this. If your mate is this person and you’re freaking out, don’t call them for advice – they’ll just tell you to get a grip and ask what’s so great about friends, sunny walks and going out anyway?
The catastrophist who “can’t take it anymore” after one day
They heard the lockdown news and completely lost it. This person does 24 hours in quarantine and tweets “I can’t take this anymore when will this end?!?!?!?!!!!!”. They call you crying because they can’t remember what it felt like to be free. Their best years are flashing before their eyes and there’s NOTHING they can do about it.
They didn’t drink much before the lockdown. They never understood why their parents would have a glass of wine every night in front of the telly, but now they do. Fuck it – who’s gonna police them when they crack open a tinney at the end of their shift sat in front of a laptop? Hate to tell you this, but hangovers hit a little different when you didn’t even leave the house to acquire them.