Sussex’s most eligible bachelorette nominee: Eliza

You better learn to love this oil painting

My name is Eliza, I’m 19 years old and studying History of Art. Yes lads, that means a cheeky bit of Museum and Chill. Emphasis on the museums. I just bloody love museums.

I’m currently living in the slums of Swanborough. This is no exaggeration – there’s only one butler per flat (big up Jeeves), and we’ve resorted to washing our dishes with Prosecco. Poverty.

I need someone who can satisfy my dietary needs. I’m both gluten and lactose intolerant (cheers, genetics) so please don’t wine and dine me. Water will do.

You know what, don’t take me out ‘cause I really am allergic to every-fucking-thing.

I have a thing for hot backs. I mean toned, not clammy. Hands can’t be leathery, either. That’s just not an option.

My biggest turn on’s are stimulating conversations about Picasso, and the notification I get from Asda when my weekly delivery is ready.

Anyway, must dash, Jeeves is bringing the Bentley round.

What is your favourite colour socks: Black, like my flat’s dildo

If you were a character from Friends, who would you be: Fat Monica

Penguins or otters: Penguins

If you were a vegetable, what would you be: An onion because ogres have layers

Flying or invisibility super powers: Neither. The ability to not shit myself if I have some Cheerios holds more merit

What’s your ideal date: Someone who doesn’t make me pay for their drink at the Winter Ball (seriously…).

What is the most attractive quality a man can possess: If you’re lactose and gluten intolerant too

If you were a beverage, what would you be: Pornstar Martini

Favourite sex position: The Swiss Ball Blitz