Dead porpoise that shagged itself to death found inland in Sussex

I’ll get straight to the facts. Last week, a 110-pound porpoise (it’s like a whale stuck in puberty) was found wrapped in a yellow tarpaulin dead in a side street 12 miles away from the centre of Brighton.

Animal expert Rob Deaville explains that old porpoises, like this one, save all their energy for mating. Eventually they shag themselves into a cold hungry shivering wreck, until they can get it up no more.

What a way to go.

Tim Allen, not the guy from Home Improvement (or my year 8 rugby coach), who found the dead porpoise said: “I was confused, it’s a weird place to dump a porpoise body. It was very surreal”.

How did it end up in a yellow tarpaulin in Worthing? Presumably someone picked it up, carried it, got bored, and put it down in Worthing.

But the most fucked up thing about this, is that it’s not the most fucked up land based incident involving an aquatic animal in the South of England. The very same Rob Deaville once had to deal with a dead dolphin stuffed into a phone box.

What the fuck England?