£9,000 to come. £20,000 to leave. University spends 100k disciplining Sussex Five

Sussex University has spent £100,000 in legal fees alone whilst handling the infamous case of the Sussex 5.

This figure, which could buy just over 11 years of tuition (yes, I did use a calculator for that one,) is on top of the £81,812 spent on extraditing students occupying Bramber House, and the £200,000 spent on contracted security guards, at least 6 of whom seem to spend the vast majority of their time removing coffees from me in the library at 4 in the morning.

With these “ludicrous” figures in mind, let’s do a break down of what that money could buy. Because maths is fun that’s why.

How much?

£80,000

Spent on?

Removing students from their occupation zone at Bramber House

Tab suggests?

Build a One Stop in Fulton. Make everything half the price of the Co-op, and thence the students shall flock.

I’M COMING FOR YOU REASONABLY PRICED MILK

How much?

£200,000

Spent on?

Hiring contracted security guards

Tab suggests?

Buy a million Freddo bars (based on Asda pricing, not the 60p jobbies at the Co-op, we’re not made of money here.) Give each student at Sussex approximately 50 Freddos, and there will be no need to protest, because we will all be really really full and chocolatey.

Alternatively, buy the Hulk. If you’re going to do security, and you’ve got £200,000 kicking about, at least do it properly.

Hulk mad. Hulk take you to top of scary ride no one really likes on pier and throw you off

How much?

£100,000

Spent on?

Legal fees

Tab suggests?

In today’s market, £100,000 will buy you:

• A 1968 Phantom VI Limo Rolls Royce in mint condition.
• 115 nights in the Ritz’s most expensive room
• Three one-bedroom flats in north Belfast (but, perversely, not one 3 bedroom flat)
• A Castle, with 20 acres, with 5 grand to spare
• 25 bottles of Harrods’ most expensive cognac
• Six-carat solitaire diamond ring from Tiffany and Co
• A round-the-world cruise for yourself and two friends on the Canberra … you get the point.

The staff at the university seem to think that any of these would be a better use of time and money.

In a letter which they wrote to the Vice Chancellor, they asked very nicely that he, “…end the disciplinary procedure against the five students and instead start a process of dialogue with the protesters.”

Hard to know how to play this one… I’d go for the cruise for just long enough that everyone forgets why they were angry with me in the first place. It’s a hard knock life…

Ehhhm Charles if you could just hand me my lighter, i’ve got some serious business to see to

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