What your drug of choice says about you

Cannabis

The most mainstream of drugs; from Snoop Dogg to Willie Nelson, everyone does it.

Also the most irritating of drugs; frequent cannabis users tend to talk too much – talk about the inner political message of Pineapple Express, talk about the biological consequences of munchies, and most boringly talk about the chronic need for the legalisation of weed.

The word “dank” is their fault.

I would rather be Ann Widdecombe’s gynaecologist than listen to the spouting’s of a stoner with all the charisma of a soggy elbow.

Those who abuse marijuana may have high ambitions, but they achieve about as much as a dead Nick Clegg.

What this drug really says about you is that you are full of rhetorical nonsensical bullshit.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

MDMA

We don’t really do crystal meth in this country, so we have this instead. If you did MDMA/ecstasy in the 20^th century I would have said you were some nutty raver who was lost in this ever-modernising world simply trying to find themself.

However, now it means that you have a bad taste in music, permanently low serotonin levels, and maybe, if you’re lucky, one good story about that time you were “buzzin of your tits”.

‘Mandy’ also stays in your body for 5 days, so if you got a drug test coming up, urine trouble (sorry). All MDMA really says about you is that you are a student; Mephedrone was for school kids, and Cocaine is for people with money – which leaves us with this powder.

MDMA is definitely a fan favourite for the gurners. Whilst it’s trendy to do now, it will surely set you on the long, sweaty road to unemployment.

Ketamine

Remember when you used to drink until you couldn’t stand; well that’s been replaced by this far more efficient tranquiliser.

This one is only for fools (and horses). Ketty people are definitely the weirdest; they have weird ketty nights with their weird ketty friends in some weird ketty basement.

People who love ket tend to avoid daylight, fruit and social situations. So these pale, vitamin-deficient, awkward humans find solace in the social hierarchy barely above crackfiends simply because they may have a GCSE.

Fans of ketamine incline to be single, greasy, and have a daddy issue or two.

Cocaine

Goes well with wine, a good old game of ruggers, and a brief political debate; Cocaine is the gentlemen’s drug.

Which is why it is a shit drug, save yourself the £50 and get a couple extra jager bombs, because no-one wants to be a pretentious cocaine wanker, except bankers, bankers love to be pretentious cocaine wankers.

Cocaine says that you aren’t interesting enough to just have a beer, but are too much of a thuderfuck to crack on with the Dizz.

And it’s all good and dandy doing it all throughout your life, until you find out that a friend of a friend just sucked off his dealer for a gram.

Then things turn nasty, don’t be that guy.

Cocaine just isn’t all it’s cracked up to be…