Flood warnings throughout Sussex: Top 10 tips for staying safe

As Storm Hercules threw us into the New Year with chronic disappointment, we have now been told to expect more flooding, lightning and mini-tornedoes. Whilst like the previous storm we can probably expect nothing more than a light drizzle, a damp tramp and possibly if shit goes down a fallen-over garden chair, it is better to be safe than sorry.

The BBC has reported, in light of a ‘mini-tornedo’ lifting some feral cats into the air, that the people of Sussex should prepare under YELLOW WARNING conditions for further weather catastrophe in the coming days. So here are our top 10 tips for staying safe during this potentially epic natural disaster.

Don’t leave old people locked up in the garden

We all know granny should have left by now because crimbo was almost a month ago, but we must remember she isn’t a dog and should be kept safely in the house during this hurricaine/breeze.

What not to do

Buy a teacup

The rumour is that you can contain a storm within a teacup.

Storm in a teacup… get it…

Stock up on the essentials

Running out of Persil 2-in-1? Got a pair of wellies for those devastating puddles we’re expecting? Got enough K-cider to last the night? Run down to your local Morrison’s (or any other equally good store/supermarket, we here at the Tab have no bias, and endorse no singular chain, although I am personally a fan of ASDA until the student loan comes in).

Don’t go swimming, naked, with no supervision, and no armbands, in the middle of the Atlantic

Why, you ask? Because you may risk showing symptoms of death.

You may get attacked by a 5 tentacled green pirate octopus whilst naked…

Learn the buzzwords

We are going to have weather experts, people from the Met Office and all people over the age of 47 talking about the “devastating effects” of this “beast of a storm” and its “big wave chasers” risking “danger” due to the possibilities of “significant flooding”… Make sure you prime up on the keywords so you can take part in mundane pub conversation.

Appoint rotating Team leaders

Whilst many of us may be too scared to sleep, we must remember that one person must be awake at all times on watch to keep local twitter accounts updated.

Mop, Check! Yellow reflective jacket, Check! Helmet, Check! Notepad, Check! Shorts (because we ran out of ideas), Check!

Create a storm playlist

The flood by Take That, Riders on the Storm by The Doors (possibly featuring Snoop Dog), Why does it always rain on me by Travis, It’s raining men by Geri Halliwell, Purple rain by Prince, November rain by Guns n’ Roses, Singin’ in the rain by Gene Kelly, and of course Tears and rain by the one and only James Blunt (or anything by Wet Wet Wet).

Prepare for wind and rain emotionally

When death is at ones doorstep, we tend to profess love, guilt or pain to our closest friends and family. At the first sight of wind or rain tell everyone everything, because there probably is no tomorrow. (Additionally, don’t watch the three little pigs fable, all the huffing and puffing can be emotionally draining).

Have a raft prepared

We can’t all build an ark, but a small floating device, preferably larger than a small child, could come in useful when we have to row to the new world to repopulate.

I like to think I NOAH thing or two about raft building

Whatever you do, tweet everything straight away

Because if you don’t get there first, someone else might leak the story…