Overheard in Jesmond: The most OUTRAGEOUS things we’ve heard

Jesmond lingo just… hits different

Brace yourselves for some of the most outrageous statements we’ve heard in our favourite student suburb – from STDs to surgery procedures, we’ve heard it all. As we went undercover to hear the latest Jesmond goss, it’s safe to say that there’s absolutely nothing students could say that would surprise us anymore.

“Don’t do a ‘me’ and think you’re cleverer than chlamydia, because you’re not”

Some things are better left unsaid. Whenever life gets you down, at least you weren’t this person, and even if you are – don’t worry, it happens to the best of us. In a student suburb, STDs are bound to travel and those that have been unfortunate enough to catch them are always there to clue us up on issues such as these! Maybe just don’t air it to the whole of Jesmond next time…

“This weather, we’re going to have a BBQ later”

The unexpected sunshine proved too much for many – whilst it reached eleven degrees in Jesmond, some felt as though they’d stepped out into Jamaica. With the sunnies and shorts out and spring around the corner, let’s just quickly remind ourselves we’re still in March. I’d love to pretend this was an isolated incident, but as half of my house searched the shops for sausages, burger buns, and disposable BBQs, I fear this was a united view amongst the streets.

“Like, now I have to start all over again with someone new and I just can’t be bothered”

We’ve all been there! Lockdown love was never easy. With the end of lockdown in sight, we can finally ditch dating apps and get back to a good old chin-wag on Osborne Road. With boys and bevs on the cards this summer, maybe it just wasn’t meant to be! As the days of Tinder draw to an end and with hot girl summer approaching, did you really want a relationship anyway? We all know the answer to that one now, don’t we?

“No I’m not queuing up at Tesco, there’s never a queue at Waitrose”

How the other half live, eh? Whilst the rest of us have spent half an eternity queueing up whatever the weather for those essential items (deffo not chocolate and wine, wink wink), others have never experienced this hardship. If we’re going to save an extra tenner queuing up for a further 20 mins, you can sure bet we will. After all, that leaves more of your budget for bevs – spend that student loan wisely.

“She wasn’t a-okay, she was bad b”

In times like these, it’s important to remind ourselves that we are that bitch. Even when times are tough, we’re never a-okay, we’re always gonna be bad b. With exam season approaching too quickly and a few guaranteed mental breakdowns on the way, you can always rely on the Jesmond gals to boost your self-confidence. Repeat after me, “she wasn’t a-okay, she was bad b”.

“Her dad paid for her nose job”

Have you ever asked yourself just how some of these girls look so good? Well, now we know: Daddy’s money! Whilst some of us weren’t blessed with the extra funds for plastic surgery, at least some of Jesmond’s student population were! Besides, who cares? We’re all fit anyway, nose job or not!

“That girl in the car deffo fancied me”

Ah, these boys do know how to delude themselves, don’t they? Let’s give them some sympathy here. It may have been a while since they’ve last been able to shoot their shot, and any sort of attention may seem quite exciting at the moment, but boys: let’s not get ahead of ourselves, please. Not long now until you can interact with girls again – and do us all a favour and leave the cheesy chat up lines out!

As far as our Jesmond chat goes, it just goes to show that we’re comfortable whatever the topic of convo, but maybe just a bit too comfortable sometimes…

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