Painting the town Orange

The barrage is getting beyond belief!


It’s got to that time of year, summer has gone and with it that lovely golden tan that any self respecting human being desires.

With the absence of the suns rays we find ourselves in the midst of another dilemma as the fake tan bottles emerge and the town starts to resemble a Dutch football celebration.

I can’t help sitting in one of Newcastle’s finer drinking holes without my attention being drawn to the ever more frequent appearance of what resembles an elongated Umpa Lumpa marching past.

Is there something I’ve not been told? Is Willy Wonka conducting a new secret operation in the Toon? In which case where can I get a golden ticket? More importantly am I going to have to renew my gym membership to burn off the copious amount of chocolate that I might have to consume?

Infestation apparent


Don’t get me wrong, I am all in favour of a girl wishing to look good but quite frankly there is no reason to be going to the extreme that is being seen. It seems that plastering trowels are in high demand and have become and essential part of a female’s wash bag.

It’s not just the faces that are drawing attention though. On closer inspection, for those with good eyesight, it’s the hands that really give away what the girl previously thought was a subtle touch up. It appears that the lovely looking lady sat opposite has been swilling her hands in a bucket of pig shit for an afternoon’s entertainment.

For these reasons I ask for you all to take a good look in the mirror and ask yourselves whether the Ronseal route is really the right one.

Actually does what it says on the tin

After all the stuff you’re applying is simply a mask to hide behind and completely false, all can see that.

If you’re really that bothered get onto and book a cheap package weekend away somewhere exotic, Benidorm maybe?