Quizmas day 10: Which underrated christmas film are you?
The epitome of diamonds in the rough
Long after the turkey has settled into your stomach like the best tasting weight in the world, and Nana’s seventh glass of sherry that’s turned her a bit UKIP (we love you Nana, but could you just leave Brexit alone? Please? It’s Christmas. Think what Jesus would do), we load up our bowls with Christmas pudding (non-negotiable), and settle in for that most delightful of traditions.
We are of course, talking about the familial bong that gets loaded with…stuffing and…sage. Or is this just a Chorley thing?
Regardless of the status of your bong induced lack of sobriety, all of us are going to settle in and watch a Christmas film with the family. Or maybe you’re binging christmas films with your flat. So why not go a little risqué and off road? Instead of watching Love Actually for the eight billionth time (you know who you are), why not try one of these underrated Christmas surprises instead?
This truly is an absolutely delightful film. It’s like getting a hug off a grandparent or relaxing into a favourite chair after a long day; you just feel better for watching it. Overflowing with Christmas charm thanks to the downright stupendous cast; James MCavoy? Bill Nighy? Hugh Laurie? Jim Broadbent?! Take me.
The same band of animation masters/nutters that brought you Wallace and Gromit present a genuinely heart-warming story of a boy trying to live up to the overwhelming legacy of the Clauses, while saving Christmas with his slightly senile Grandfather. I won’t say anymore, because this animated gem is best experienced like a Christmas present. You have no idea what it is, but you know it’s going to be bloody good.
The rest of the franchise, apart from the epic third film, might have gone down faster than a solid fart down a pant leg, but the OG Die Hard is ruddy brilliant. Underrated might be the wrong word for one of the best action films of all time but damnit if Die Hard doesn’t get the reputation as the phenomenal Christmas film that it is.
What’s more Christmassy than a man making up with his estranged wife and embracing her as the credits roll? Alan Rickman quoting Shakespeare and a whole lot of dead henchmen with dodgy German accents, that’s what.
Christmas With the Kranks
Alright, alright; this film is pretty much 100% nostalgia for us. Is it a good film? Well…with rose tinted glasses the size of Saturn it’s at least charmingly bad. Without the nostalgia however, some might charitably view it as painful as impacted wisdom tooth surgery in the middle of a Sugar rave. The ghost of Roger Ebert will forever haunt our Christmas’s and shit in the oven for counting a film with 5% on Rotten Tomatoes as underrated, but piss off ok, we just can’t hate it.
A kranky family (we really don’t get paid enough) skipping Christmas before realising the folly of their ways and making nice with passive aggressive neighbours and a kid so annoying you’d wish he’d just slip on the ice? Sounds like a Christmas film to us. Did we mention Tim Allen is in it? Take a shot everytime it looks like he forgets his lines, you’ll get buzzed and realise he wants to be light years away from this film.
The Family Man
It’s Nicholas Cage. That is all.
We still fondly remember the time our parents were trying to find Home Alone on the TV, and instead stumbled across one of the most foul-mouthed comedy gems of all time. A gleefully offensive film, Bad Santa tells the tale of one Willie T. Soke, a department store Santa who would actually be a good robber if he could just stop drinking, and his eventual redemption in a surprisingly touching story.
Combine that with a frankly stupendous amount of kids getting told to fuck off by a hung over Santa, and you have the makings of one of the funniest films we’ve ever had the privilege of watching.
The Santa Clause one and two
There is a third one but, much like the third Holmes sibling…we don’t talk about that one. Tim Allen is once again back, but this time he can actually remember his lines, and has some good writing behind him this time. Scott Calvin is basically responsible for the manslaughter of Santa (we know but stick with us), and so takes up the responsibilities of Santa while trying to juggle his career and his family.
It’s simple, it’s sweet, and there’s so many puns about clauses that we can’t help but love it. The second is basically the same, but with a plastic Santa Hitler who turns the North Pole into a sweatshop for coal. Believe us, its absurdly fantastic, and you at last get to see what the inside of a Sri Lankan Primark warehouse looks like (if they let this joke go in then that really is a Christmas miracle).
The Night Before
Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Anthony Mackie. Seth Rogen. Michael Shannon as a weed dealer and a cameo by Miley Cyrus. Do I really need to say that this film is pretty great? The final entry on this little list is like every Seth Rogan film you’ve ever seen, but polished to perfection and with a surprising amount of heart for a film with a ratio of approx 8.3 dick jokes per minute.
JGL is Ethan Miller, a twenty something failing musician who finally gets the chance of a lifetime to go to the illustrious nutcracker ball with his friends Chris (Mackie) and Isaac (Rogan). It’s basically Pineapple Express with snow, tinsel, weed and a touching story of growing up. Will your parents like it? Will they fuck, but you lot will probably love it, you deviants.
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…
Regardless of your choice of film, we here at the Tab wish you a very merry festive season, and hope that you manage to keep your grandparents away from the port and firmly off the topic of either your non-existent love life or off the topic of “Those bloody Argies”.
May you have a fabulous Christmas, and may your work get cancelled because the council is too incept to grit the roads properly; you can but hope for rein-deer…you have no idea how hard it is to resist the punning urge.
If you didn’t get enough of this, try this quick quiz to see which of these films you are: