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Which advent calendar is actually the best? A scientific investigation

All I want for Christmas is new arteries

'Tis the season of good cheer, good will to all men and heart palpitations. In this season of giving, it's only fair that we bestow unto you the most valuable gift of all.

No, not money. No, it's not a Ferrari. No, it's not a sneak preview of the Gavin and Stacey special and no, it's definitely not the ability to suppress the urge to sweat for roughly 37 years, shut up before the lawyers get called.

Choosing an advent calendar can be like choosing a favourite child; Some are simply fantastic and others you wonder what the hell happened mid-conception. So, to save you time and money, here's the definitive list of the best advent calendars you can gorge yourself on this Christmas.

In no particular order…

Lindt (The Posh one)

Jesus Christ, this chocolate is good. It's like taking a bath in honey and marshmallow levels of luxury. Would I know what that's like? No, I shop at Lidl and I'm not Scrooge McDuck, which is actually very fitting as this calendar is hideously expensive. £6 on cute little delicious reindeer chocolates, and you get one the size of a small child on the 24th. Is it worth it? My hips say no, but my heart says yes.

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If we had to make a Horcrux, it would be one of these advent calendars

Malteser (The Disappointment)

Honestly? This one was a punch to the gut. Who doesn't love Maltesers…if you don't then you're emotionally dead inside and there's nothing you can say to convince me otherwise. But this calendar is a mockery of what makes Malteser great and it should be tried in the Hague.

Each chocolate just tastes like a BTEC Galaxy (more on that later), and even the massive one on the 24th just tastes like a larger amount of deceit and disappointment. Just buy the Galaxy one, and save yourself from crippling dismay.

Nestle Milkybar (The Dark Horse)

White chocolate and ourselves have a relationship akin to that of Rachel and Ross – constantly on again/off again and we can just can't work up the nerve to commit to it despite how great is is. Saying that, this advent calendar is amazing. The chocolate is so creamy and decadent, you'd think you'd have to take out another student loan to buy it, not just waltz down to Lidl and get it for like £2. After the crushing disappointment of Malteser, this is exactly the pick-us-up we needed.

Dairy Milk (The Veteran)

If Nestlé is like The Wall with Danny Dyer (revelatory and addicting), then Dairy Milk is like The Chase; dependable, not much in the way of surprise but still so bloody good.

Everyone has had Dairy Milk at some point in their lives, and if you haven't then we're afraid we can't be friends, or be in the same post code.

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Meet 2019's sexiest calendar girl

Galaxy (The Elite)

May God strike us down for blasphemy, but this beats Dairy Milk for the top spot. We know we're going to get some dogshit in the post for this one, but hear us out.

Not only do you get a bite of absolutely delicious Galaxy each day (which really does feel like you're taste buds are going through a wormhole of flavour), but on the 24th you get a piece thiccer than a 4X4…or my Auntie, but that's neither here nor there. Don't be a fool, and treat yourself to some Bohemian Galaxy this Christmas (fuck you we've sat on that one for 7 years).

Kinder (The Odd One Out)

Kinder is evidently of the opinion that variety is the spice of life, as can be found by the two different types of chocolate in the calendar. You heard right folks; two kinds of chocolate, will wonders never cease.

One kind is nutty, giving the chocolate some nice crunch and texture compared to the pillowy and pissing divine smooth milk filling. It might have commitment issues to being one kind of chocolate or another, but we really can't fault what is probably the most well-rounded and varied calendar on this list.

"Last Christmas, I Gave You My Lindt, but the Very Next Day, You Ate It Away"

Another year, another lot of coronaries clogged by chocolate. We hope you spice up your choices this year and go rogue with your calendar; better choco-late than never! …We're on a sugar crash, please send help.