Weirdest Tinder bios in Lancaster

’15, Facebook wouldn’t let me change my age’


Tinder! That final nail in the coffin of western civilisation, after which all human contact is reduced to strings of emojis and binary would/wouldn’t bang choices facilitated by apps. It’s great, isn’t it? Fuck dates and family gatherings around the wireless. 👉 👉👌💦.

But then you come to Lancaster, and a realisation slowly dawns on you. Tinder here is a bit shit, isn’t it? I mean, I’ve used it in the Midlands of all places – even there the quality:disaster ratio was better, and we’ve been banging first cousins for about as far back as we can recall.

It’d be easy enough to just post pics of people who had the unfortunate fate of falling off the ugly tree and hitting every branch on the way down, but that would just be nasty. I’m not nasty. Swear down.

The ‘I got a friend to write this’

You know the scene – you’re all sitting around at a pre-drinks that died an hour ago when Damo announced he’d left his speakers at home, the prick, and playing all your favourite pre bangers out of someone’s phone is too pitiful even for you. You all sit around the table, phones out, a mutual agreement that none of you will bother the others as you all pretend you’re somewhere else.

Okay I take it back this is borderline poetry

Okay I take it back this is borderline poetry

The distinctive swiping motion catches his eye first, and before you know it Tony’s sauntered over. “On Tinder eh?”, he slurs. The VK has clearly gone to his head. Before you can even reply with “yes, like every other human born in the last two decades”, he’s grabbed your phone and it rewriting your bio. It’ll be hilar, he promises. You swallow your anger and he deletes that poetry quote you spent ages finding. The one that really captured whatever it was you were going for.

Bonus points for the cunnilingus emoji though

Bonus points for the cunnilingus emoji though

Then you’re out in the big wide world with a bio that makes you sound like you’re making a human suit out of the skin of your Tinder dates.

Good to know I guess

Good to know I guess

The ‘I usually I just drink WKD in a park’

Are you an ageing 80s British children’s television host? First up, why are you reading The Tab? Secondly, Lancaster Tinder is the place for you!

Okay just a year below, could be worse

Okay just a year below, could be worse

That’s right, we have a flood of creepily eager jailbait who just can’t wait for you to swipe right on them (and the award for worst thing I’ve ever written goes to…).

Right so 16's pushing it a bit, but she's in the Navy I guess which make it better?

Right so 16’s pushing it a bit, but she’s in the Navy I guess which make it better?

But I mean 16’s a bit weird but still legal righ-

Maybe we should just let the terrorists win at this point

Maybe we should just let the terrorists win at this point

Ohhh. Oh.

The ‘Bombshell drop’

People mock me for taking the time to read Tinder bios. The app is all about quickly swiping left and right on instinct, they say. To them I say hah, sometimes it pays to take it slow.

Dodged a bullet there eh?

Dodged a bullet there eh

I don't even

I don’t even

Eh, nice, cool, can't be helped, uwotm8?

Eh, nice, cool, can’t be helped, uwotm8?

The ‘I’ve missed the point’

Okay, I get it. You jumped the gun and settled in Freshers week and now, even though you and bae will deffo be together forever and all that, you’re jealous of your mates for having Tinder when you don’t. You hear their talk of ‘swipes’ and ‘matches’ and quietly and discreetly sob into the pizza you and bae are sharing as you watch Netflix instead of going out for the nth time this week

Then you give in and sneakily download Tinder. You know that bae’ll go ballistic if he sees it on your phone, so you make sure you have a bio that’ll protect you.

It's like reading Playboy for the articles

It’s like reading Playboy for the articles

Then you sit back and congratulate yourself on being the worst person in the world.

The ‘Modest life goals’

It's like a shit version of Netflix and chill

It’s like a shit version of Netflix and chill

The ‘What Do You Mean, Decent Pictures?’

10/10 chin

10/10 chin I guess

Not really getting that whole 'Facebook integration' angle are we

Not really getting that whole ‘Facebook integration’ angle are we

But it’s Not All Bad

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the Patriot:

Godspeed, brave warrior

Godspeed, brave warrior