Meet the King’s Men’s Lacrosse Team set to pound UCL into the ground

Easier than taking candy from a baby

This year King's Men's Lacrosse are bringing out their strongest squad yet, having remained strong in their league throughout the year they are set to take on Euston Polytech in a heavily anticipated game.

March 8th. 14:00. Honor Oak Park. Tickets out now. Available here.

Jake Buffery: Third year History – Midfield (Captain)

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More likely to snap a stick than score a goal, it's a good thing he's bringing three on Friday.

Tom Jacks: Second year History & International Relations – Attack

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"Teej" (self-styled nickname) has improved so much as a mentor and teacher to his beloved fresh that most of his on-field production occurs vicariously through his protégés.

Mikey Parnell: Third year Film Studies – Midfield

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This boy has the speed and physique of road-runner. We were pleased when we heard another American would be joining King’s this year, and less pleased when we discovered he’d never played before.

Eugene Fung: Fifth year Medicine – Midfield

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The 2018/19 season has not been a kind one for last year’s captain. Languishing in the middle of nowhere on medical rotations most of the week, BUCS Wednesday has been his only outlet. Varsity should see this pocket rocket releasing all of his pent-up frustration out on UCL’s defence.

Signature move: Drawing high tackles.

Dislikes: The top shelf.

Felix Morriss: Fifth year Medicine – Long Stick Midfield

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Once a stalwart of King’s Men’s Lacrosse, fifth year has seen a formerly glorious Felix besmirched by the hellhole that is GKT rugby. With limited game-time this season, and an inability to either score or defend, we have placed Felix in midfield. Hopefully, he stays there.

“Is it a bird, is it a plane? No, it’s Felix’s shot sailing six feet above the goal…”

Elmo Guichen-Vallas: Fourth year Physics – Midfield

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Elmo is the longest-tenured non-medic in the club, and with the prospect of two more years, the sky is the limit for this determined veteran. We’re hoping that this varsity he’ll finally score his first goal.

Zach Antin: Study Abroad – Attack

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Zach is definitely the most unique American we’ve had our way in years. He brings with him questionable conversational ability, a concerning Diet Coke habit, and the ability to score a few goals a game. However, that’s more than enough for us.

Lacrosse ability: A good three or four points lower than he thinks it is.

Celebrity lookalike: Pumba.

Luke Kensik: Study Abroad – Attack

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Luke is the enigma within King’s Lacrosse this year: some say he shares many similarities to a first-year Dan Gibson. Little is known about this 5’9 lacrosse fiend, other than he has a somewhat surprising love for all things basketball. Look for him to light up the UCL goalie at least once or twice.

Most likely to: Appear on a missing-persons report.

Danny O'Riordan: First year idk – Attack

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Perhaps the only member of the club that is a fan of The Vault, it’s ironic that Danny is also the only member of the club banned from entering. Never seen without his trusty lanyard around his neck, Danny is somehow the least reliable and most committed fresher we’ve seen: A strange combination.

Adan Khan: First year Medicine – Attack

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With a hairstyle that adds a foot to his height, you could say that this diminutive fresher is trying to compensate for something. When he’s not receiving hickies on his cheek and getting kicked out of clubs, this 17-year-old can be found practicing with his stick. For purely research purposes, of course.

Prized possession: Fake ID.

Francois Olivier Bouchard – MA – Attack

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A veteran from the home of lacrosse, Canada, Francois is an upstanding example of the bright futures that lacrosse players can aspire to. A high-flying solicitor, with shady connections to Justin Trudeau himself, Francois will be sure to rack up the goals in varsity.

Mortal enemy: Father Time.

Chris Allen – third year Medicine – Defence

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This Irishman plays with more heart than anyone on the pitch. Which is just as well, given his running most closely compares to that of a tranquillised hippopotamus. With more lacrosse sticks than he has goals, his third-year transition to defence has been a welcome one, to be sure.

Likes: Midfield, unfortunately…

Tristan Fraser – fifth year Medicine – Defence

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As President of the club, Tristan has mastered organisation, committee politics and the art of shouting at freshers. One skill he has yet to master however, is the ability to pick up a lacrosse ball.

Signature move: *Attempts to pick up ball* *fails *kicks ball away in frustration.*

Sam Margolis: Study Abroad – Defence

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The second of our mid-season transfer arrivals, Sam has shown us all how to handle a pole. Wielding a traditional head and an American smile that makes the ladies swoon, he’ll be sure to tear it up on the pitch come Friday.

Likes: Romantic breaks to Paris.

Oliver Priestley: First year Religion and Politics – Midfield

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The following encounter sums this boy up.

O: “I’m more attractive than Jake James.”

Random girl in a Manchester club: “Who is Jake James?”

O: “Not the point. I’m better looking.”

Girl: *Walks away.*

Jake James: First year War Studies – Defence

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The first fresher to be thrown into the shark-infested waters of the 1s, 23-year-old Jake’s 50-foot wingspan enables him to lock off a good quarter of the pitch at a time. 2019’s answer to Patrick Bateman, intel has revealed that Jake’s room consists of nothing but white-washed walls and a solitary bed sheet. Sociopathic he may be, but at least it’s not toward us.

Likes: Mirror-sex and filming equipment.

Defining characteristic: Too tall.

Tom Barnhurst: First year French & Business – GK

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Best known for stumbling into a Dover Castle shower fully clothed on a Wednesday night, Tom is the lacrosse club’s most surprising character. UCL, I’d avoid starting a fight with him; this baby-faced goalkeeper will be looking for a clean sheet.

Sworn enemy: One pitty boi.

Chris Hachtman: Study Abroad – GK

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Chris has the all-American charm you’d expect of a Texas boy. His position as goalkeeper is no mere accident. No, for this dual-sport athlete, every hard rubber ball that hits him is one more example that he can use in a job application. As he told his interviewers at McKinsey, it demonstrates his “resilience”, “commitment”, “dedication” and that he is “FTB”.

Life plan: Four years as a consultant followed by a decade in the Texas oil industry.