Are you KCL’s Biggest Bachelor? #7 – Niklaus Wietlisbach

Niklaus Wietlisbach

3rd year, Politics, Philosophy and Law

He’s got a little time left in his four-year degree, gals, and he’s ready to share it with someone.

Why would you call yourself an eligible bachelor?

I have had A LOT of practice in being a bachelor. Some would call it a fear of commitment; I would call it holding out for the right girl to sweep me off my feet. I am also a very caring individual. My cactus Thelonius can attest to that – I have kept him alive for nine years now. I apply the same care and love when interacting with human beings. I’d say this makes me a very eligible bachelor.

What is your ideal date?

That really depends on what date we’re talking about. For a first date, I quite like going to a cool bar (secret bars are my favourite). I really like to impress my dates with my in-depth knowledge of the British and American craft beer scene. For this reason, I always make sure to go to a bar with a large variety of good beers to seem cultured and hip.
For a second date, I like to do anything from going to see a film in cinemas to just sitting on my couch and staring into each other’s eyes while Justin Timberlake dulcetly croons on his landmark album “FutureSex/LoveSounds”.

What do you look for in an ideal partner?

I firmly believe that anyone who claims that looks don’t matter is lying. My perfect partner looks a bit like Debbie Harry. I really like a girl who takes care of herself and her appearance. It takes me about an hour to get ready in the morning, and if it takes you any less you might not be right for me.
More important than looks, however, is a compatible personality. I’m usually The Funny One in my several WhatsApp group chats, so I’d like my date to have a good, honest sense of humour. I also like people who are genuine and don’t pretend to be someone they’re not. I enjoy literature, poetry and music – and I love discussing them. Whether it’s your favourite Smiths album or Dan Brown novel – talk like that will keep me up all night.
Bonus points if you fit into that Size 8 Lindsay Bluth costume I have.

What are some of your best qualities?

I derive great value from tending to injured and crippled pigeons on my rooftop. I feel like they really show how this brutal city can suck us in, chew us up and spit us out a grey, jumbled mess – pigeons and humans, that is. A very poignant commentary on the urban human predicament, really.
Apart from that, I am involved in several KCL societies as Treasurer, most notably the KCL Battle Rap and Spoken Word Soc (Shout out to the boys!). I think people assume that I am good with money because I am Swiss, and so far no one has figured out that I can’t actually count past 14. The positive impact my work has had on the King’s community fills me with great pride.
I cook a mean Carbonara (the trick is to use fresh, raw eggs and no cream) and my ham and cheese toasties have been complimented several times. Finally, I feel like I have really grown into my looks since my awkward school phase – my mum even recently called me a strapping young lad (a compliment that, until now, was exclusively reserved for my younger brother and Michael Bublé).

Any secrets you’d like to share?

I don’t get “Life of Pablo”, but I am too dependent on people’s approval to admit it.