Stop making fun of me because I’m from the Midlands

Is this enough grass for you?

People just don’t seem to get Birmingham. Last year, Fox News ran a report suggesting that parts of Birmingham are “no-go zones” for non-Muslims and that Sharia Law is being implemented on the city’s streets. This was a disaster for the city’s rep – but all things considered, probably more of a disaster for journalism.

Brummies have learnt to embrace our misfit status and have a really good time, which usually involves a night on Broad Street, the city’s infamous strip of night clubs. We have all the fave spots: Walkabout, Gatecrasher, Reflex and Propaganda – and most of the time people even make it out of these establishments alive.

Brummies befriend anyone and everyone on a night out

Another huge talking point is our accent. I didn’t choose it, and it wasn’t created for your entertainment, but Southerners have a real knack for sniffing out an elongated vowel or the occasional dropped T. Sarah Low, a first year English student from Solihull, told The Tab: “Midlands racism is a very real thing – the onslaught of crappy Brummie accents you get when you tell someone where you’re from is just insulting.”

All an innocent Brummie can do is nod and smile as virtual strangers mimic “Buuuuuurmingum” at us, and pretend this is the first time we’ve heard such hilarity.

Not smiling inside

The University of South Wales also recently conducted a study into how intelligent or stupid each regional accent made people sound, with the Brummie accent ranking last – officially making it worse than than staying silent. Wow. Haven’t they heard people from Liverpool?

Birmingham and the Black Country also have very individual dialects, depending on exactly where you’re from. I quickly stopped using mine around people who looked seriously offended that a bread roll is a cob, a forward roll is a gambol, a graze is a scrage, an idiot is a norse and a mad person is yampy. Unbelievably, we are entitled to have our own words for things, and according to local legend our vernacular is the closest to Anglo-Saxon. So actually, you’re doing it wrong.

What do you mean, you can’t understand this?

No-one understands how much life-changing stuff has come out of the Midlands either. Shakespeare, the Industrial Revolution, UB40, Peaky Blinders, Gary Lineker, the Balti, Robbie Williams, the Mini, Stilton, Ozzy Osborne, Worcestershire Sauce – the list goes on. Would any karaoke night be complete without a middle-aged man bawling Angels down the microphone?! No, it would not.

My personal claim to fame is that I come from the same village where Tolkein spent his childhood and was inspired to create fictional places like the Shire and Mordor. So you’re welcome, world.

When we have something to be proud of in the Midlands, we may as well labour the point.

What I’m trying to say is that Birmingham’s not as bad as you like to think. Give us a chance, despite our flaws, and we can overcome Midlands racism together.