How to not fall in love with your fit Glasgow flatmate

Resist the urge to Netflix ‘n’ Chill


Not sleeping with your flatmate is nearly at the top of everyone’s “I’m going to get my shit together this year and not be a fuck up full of regret” list, beaten only by the resolution to remember to brush your teeth twice a day and not get so smashed you end up pissing yourself in Viper.

While all of these goals sound reasonable, trying to avoid Netflix-and-chilling with someone you live with turns to shit when your new Murano flatmate, who you will always refer to as Super Hot Flatmate, swoops into the kitchen with his bag of protein, perfect jawline and exceptional shoe taste.

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Trying not to be a creep…and failing

Before you know it, Swifty’s singing “I knew you were trouble when you walked in” on a loop in your head, your knees start to quake and you get that warm fuzzy feeling downstairs. Worried this might be you? Here’s how to avoid falling in love with your flatmate.

Distract yourself with another hottie

You’re at university, there is a hub of stunners at your feet. All you need to do is find them instead of tripping over them. To find alternative hotties, attend all flat parties you heard of and invite all of your friends. That friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend’s friend might just be your first ticket to not falling in love with Super Hot Flatmate.

Realise how much better off you are being single

Find the t-shirt. Buy the t-shirt. Believe the t-shirt.

Find the t-shirt. Buy the t-shirt. Believe the t-shirt

This step can be difficult to follow, especially because it’s day five of living with Super Hot Flatmate and he’s asking you how your day went and offering to make you a cuppa. See, Super Hot Flatmate is not only super hot and super nice, but he also makes a super decent cuppa tea. Suddenly things escalate from you thinking about proposing a Netflix ‘n’ Chill session with Super Hot Flatmate to how attractive your future children will look.

let me just pop the kettle on for you hun

Let me just pop the kettle on for you hun

When this happens, compose yourself. Think of it this way: why have one major hottie at home to Netflix ‘n’ Chill with when you could be bringing back multiple major hotties to x ‘n’ chill with? Not to mention the fact getting in a relationship with your flattie instantly makes you “The Couple”, a label no one in their right mind wants. Why be tied down with a steady other half when The Hive launch night comes around? That’s right, no one.

So spread your wings, get your sassy ass to the sweaty pit of Viper and find yourself a sexy rugby lad or lacrosse lady to take home instead.

Place Super Hot Flatmate in the friendzone and don’t let them leave

You’ve hit the six week mark. Your hair has lost its shine, you’re not sure you even own a razor any more,  and you’ve put on a stone.  You’re so over the single life and all you want is a spoon from Super Hot Flatmate so you can forget the last six weeks of filthy regret.

At this point, don’t be weak. You may think all your regrets will disappear if you give into your feelings for your potential future life partner but you’re wrong. At the end of the day, you’re still going to have horrific split ends, some new-found love handles which will never leave you and a story of you pissing yourself in a club which your flatmates promised never to share but it somehow ended up on Snapchat. On top of this, everyone knows the single beds in Murano are shit for spooning anyway – bodies aren’t meant to be that close, ever.

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Don’t keep waiting for him to invite you to Netflix ‘n’ Chill

Think about how much effort you would need to go to on a daily basis to always look hot in front of Super Hot Flatmate. If you’re a girl you’d need to shave everywhere everyday, just in case tonight is the night something happens. You would need to wash your hair, avoid strong-smelling food and squeeze your new love handles into your size-too-small-but-my-butt-looks-good-jeans and master the “I’m not wearing any make-up” look. That’s a lot of effort.

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Never let him fall

You don’t need this. Instead, slip on your smelly sweats and your week-old pasta-stained t-shirt and invite Super Hot Flatmate into your life as a Super Hot Friend instead.

Go nuclear

If all else fails, tell them you pissed yourself in a club during Freshers’ Week. They’ll probably stop talking to you after that.