Oxford isn’t that posh and the nightlife proves it

My nan plays better music than most of the clubs


Whenever people think of the word ‘Oxford’, only one thing normally comes into their mind. Posh. It’s like we instantly have to live up to this image of eating cream teas whilst using a vocabulary consisting of ‘marvellous’ and ‘jolly good’.

And in some ways, you’re probably right. Many of us are a bunch of tossers who rely on our mummy and daddy to fund our expensive lifestyle. And a lot of us just love to live up to this stereotype. But reality check – much of Oxford is just like the back streets of Cathays.

And the night life isn’t much better either. The majority of a night out consists of sleazy old men, awful clubs and most probably waking up in someone else’s wee. Been there, done that.

Here's why Oxford's nightlife isn't posh and poncey like you'd think.

The local spoons

Now this is where everyone’s night out normally starts, and not for the better. Whether it be The Four Candles or The Swan and Castle (the unimaginative names say it all), it doesn’t end well for anyone. Not only do you have the constant fear of bumping into someone like your ex, but the pub even fails to fit a student’s expectations. The drinks are beyond expensive for one. I mean I know it's Oxford, but we are still all uni students here sponging off our overdraft. Not forgetting to mention the staff. The bouncers look up and down at you like you’re smuggling in some drugs (when in reality you just came in for a vodka and cranberry). Think we can admit the Welsh Spoons' do it better.

Atik

Atik is the place to go if you’re an underaged teenager who wants to experience their first club. You have the anxious feeling waiting in the queue, hoping they don’t turn you away at the door. And then when you finally get in to your own amazement (also been there and done that), you are met with a shittier version of Pryzm. It definitely has it all – the cheesy room, the R&B room, and the gross older men which come along with it. Whilst it may have cheap prices, prepare yourself for the worst. Top tip – don’t leave anything in the cloak room as you probably won’t see it again.

Bridge

This is one for the wannabe 'classy' people of Oxford. For one of the most well established universities in the world, Oxford’s nightlife is complete and utter shit. This is despite the fact Bridge advertises their night out to be something with a hint of class and sophistication. But let me tell you, there’s not even a fraction of that in the mix. Just expect a lot of awful music, a lot of Oxford cliquey groups and some expensive drinks. Not forgetting the fact that the majority of your time at Bridge is spent in the smoking area full of people you don’t really want to see. I don’t even think I’ve ever stepped foot on the dance floor – probably due to the fact my nan’s music is better than what they play.

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Just look at that beautiful architecture…

End of the night kebab in Gloucester Green

A night out isn’t complete without some sort of food at the end of it. What’s not better than all the food in Gloucester Green? You'd expect an Oxford person to go to anywhere but a greasy chippy or kebab house and that is EXACTLY what we do. Gloucester Green is the place to go if you can’t be bothered to walk the extra drunken stretch to Maccy D’s. Not only do you know you will be served some greasy chicken at the end, but also that you will most probably wake up with salmonella in process. Oxford knows how to do it well.

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Chips, doner meat and ketchup, classy right?

A Not So Pretty Price

The price of your whole night is really the icing on the cake. The only posh and poncey thing about your whole oxford night out is the price tag of your drinks. Whilst you can expect cheap double vodka’s in Cardiff, prepare for your welsh friends to scream in your ear every five minutes when they're bank account sinks. “I could get this drink for half the price in Blackwood!”. Not forgetting to mention the lovely taxi service as well to get you home for another £40. Definitely a luxurious Oxfordshire experience.

So there you have it, Oxford’s beautiful but the nightlife doesn't come with it. As you exit the streets of town in your expensive but very average black cap, you will be met with the lovely site of sick everywhere and girls weeing on the streets. A pretty site hey! I think it’s time to head back to Cardiff…