Can we all agree Salisbury is terrible for a night out
Crop tops are compulsory girls
So you’ve just turned 18, Mum no longer needs to buy you Smirnoff Ice on the sly, and you’re ready to go on a wild one with all of your pals, staggering home at 4am juggling heels and cheesy chips.
Unfortunately, living in Salisbury means your night out will consist of overpriced drinks, creepy, old men trying to find 'the one', squaddies, and too many 90s bops. Basically a classic Saturday at The Chapel.
Every Salisbury Saturday must begin with seshing at Spoons, even though every human agrees The Kings Head is a waste of time. I mean why pre anywhere else when you can sit in a darkly lit pub with no music, guessing how many punters have got past security with a fake ID. And if you’re lucky you’ll only have to wait twenty minutes to get served. At least there’s a massive clock on the wall behind the bar, so if conversation is dying there is always the countdown to the next pub to get everyone excited and chatting again.
Ten minute stop at Cathedral Hotel
Heading to The Chapel from Spoons will take a gaggle of drunk people at least half an hour, so it’s always best to stop for a boogie in The Cathedral Hotel en route. This place is Salisbury famous for the dance floor only ever hosting a maximum of ten people (probably with a combined age of 400,) and everyone using the never ending staircase as a catwalk. The most satisfying part of an evening at The Cathedral is finding a toilet cubicle door that locks. And if you can avoid eye contact with the hipsters that constantly need ‘fresh air,’ the smoking area is alright.
£1 Jägerbombs at Music Box
Nothing more to say really.
Why am I queuing to pay £10
So we’ve made it to The Chapel, but the only walk longer than Spoons to The Chapel is the walk to the back of the queue. With every minute ticking by as you’re stood shivering on the corner of Milford Street, it’s getting closer and closing to 12:30, meaning entrance goes up to £10.
At least the earlier you get in the earlier you can leave.
Unless you’re incredibly drunk the music is grim
So after finally getting through what feels like ten hours of queuing and intense security checks, you’ve finally made it into the best place on Earth. Nowhere else smells this much like feet after all. It is here lucky party animals can dance on that shitty little stage to the wonderful Cotton Eye Joe, 500 miles and C’est La Vie, or try and shout requests to the DJ already prepped with his nothing-newer-than-2005 playlist. For a change of scenery head into the room of grime with wannabees, a sticky floor, and £3 something single vodka mixers. At least it’s pitch black in there so no one can see you skank face.
Drinks last about 30 seconds
Whether you're trying to take pics in front of the mirror on the way in, twerking on the speaker with a bouncer (legit happens,) or shouting at the photographer to award you 'Photo of the Week', you will spill your vodka vimto all down yourself, or someone will spill theirs on you.
You’re going to see everyone you hate
In somewhere as small as Salisbury, let’s face it – by the end of the night you’re going to see everyone you know. School, work, that guy who always picked his nose, or even just that irritating friend of a friend of a friend. And it's time to take endless Snapchats with the girl who is now with your ex, yay. It’s inevitable you will make enemies in the toilet, just try and wash your hands when girls are taking selfies, or make them jealous as you befriend the legend Ladies Toilet cleaner.
Trying to leave The Chapel should be considered an Olympic sport
Make sure you give yourself lots of time to get through that smoking area to the exit, it's the same size as a single bed.
Salisbury is the only ‘city’ in the world that doesn’t have a 24/7 fast food chain, so it’s that time of night we must fall down the road to either Chick-O-Land or Manis. Usually greeted by people fighting over stolen chicken nuggs or 18-year olds having sex on benches outside, it’s time to call a cab. Just remember in Salisbury you're expected to make conversation with the driver, ew.
So, if you ever find yourself in the medieval shithole of Salisbury, maybe you missed your train stop or something, at least make sure you experience one of these lit nights out.
See you in The Chapel.
Photo Credits: The Chapel Nightclub; Cathedral Bar & Hotel