Everything you’re gonna have to hide from your parents when you go home at Christmas – the ultimate double life

No Mum, don’t look in that bag!

With Christmas rapidly approaching and people booking their trains home for the holidays, it might be time to start thinking about how your lifestyle has to change once you're back with your parents. The first time being back home after an extended period away is always odd. But it will definitely show you what a good FBI agent you would have made, as you cunningly have to hide your double life to your family. After all, do you really want your mum to know about that rugby lad you shagged after one too many VKs?

Here are some of the most important things you'll have to conceal when you're back on home ground.

How much your alcohol tolerance has increased

Whilst your Grandpa is passed out on the sofa after one too many champers before dinner, you're six glasses in and barely feeling tipsy. As you reach for your next glass your mum asks if you should slow down a bit and you remember this is home, where it's now unacceptable to down half a bottle of booze with lunch. You promise to stop for a bit and pray to God the half a bottle of vodka you left in your room for 'emergencies' is still there – you're going to need it.

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Down it, fresher!

Your smokers cough

It's hard to convince everyone you don't smoke, when you're coughing up a lung after every sentence. But if you quit smoking whilst being at home, you run the risk of having a withdrawal cough. In order to avoid this, my advice is to wait until everyone has gone to bed and smoke out of your window. You'll probably catch a cold, but at least then your 'it's a bug going round' excuse will be more believable. Stock up on Benadryl, it's worth it for that daily dose of nicotine you have become so dependant on.

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Your stash of condoms

In all fairness your parents would probably prefer you to be having safe sex, but do you really want your aunts and uncles to weigh in on the subject over the Christmas lunch? Just hide them in a sock and avoid the awkwardness. Who knows if they'll be needed when old flames are suddenly reignited. Take advantages of all opportunities, if it all goes to shit, you can escape in a little over a month with no chance of bumping into them in the street- what's to lose?

Your shameless flirting

You go home bragging to your mum about how your budgeting has improved over the course of the term. She thinks this means you've been making meal plans and batch cooking dinners, but in reality it's more like flirting with everyone for free drinks and asking random guys on Tinder to bring you food. You've got to eat, right?

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Henlo Daddy

Love bites

Having a shag with your fuckbuddy the night before you went home seemed like such a good idea. But waking up in the morning to see a massive purpley-red, bulging hickey on your neck means you end up running to Superdrug at 10am in an effort to buy all the concealer in the world. They can never be hidden and you have to spend the next week wearing a scarf inside because 'it's so cold'.

Tattoos

Yes that mountain tattoo on your foot is a symbol of independence and fills you with confidence every time you see it, but your parents are unlikely to take it the same way. Be smart, hide it and agree that they're disgusting when your grandma voices her strong opinions on it.

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Make sure you will love your tattoo forever

Smashed phones

Sadly, insurance doesn't cover dropping your phone on the ground whilst yelling at the taxi driver to wait whilst you check what's in your bag. Your phone still works (albeit slightly questionably) and so sellotape will do. Just don't let your dad see.

Drugs

We all know that prices in Cardiff are pretty competitive, and with contacts everywhere it's not too hard to get your hands on whatever you fancy. It may seem smart to pick up here and avoid the hassle of doing it at home, but if your family finds out it will be a whole other ball game. Be smart, hide anything you don't want them to see in a pair of socks, and make sure no odours escape. The sesh is worth the risk tho.

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Don't forget the 5-HTP

How far into your overdraft you are

At the beginning of term your student loan seemed like it would last forever, but all those spontaneous nights out to escape deadlines and 'Two for Tuesdays' deals have built up, and now you're eating beans on toast for the seventh day in a row. You promised you would learn from last year and never get into your overdraft this term, but now you're £500 in and the future is looking bleak. Thank the Lord for student accounts, but make sure you keep those bank statements hidden.

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Just money for Christmas please (no seriously, I will starve)

Christmas is only a few weeks long, ride out the guilt of lying to your loved ones eating away at you and count the days until life can return to normal. At least day drinking is socially acceptable this time of year.

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