Everything that will inevitably happen to you on tour

What happens on tour definitely doesn’t stay on tour

Four days of drunkenness, pretending to play sports and two 24-hour coach journeys can only mean one thing: sports tour. New friends, new drinks, new clubs, what more could you ask for?

The food is shit but the banter isn’t. It’s the social of all socials, and here is everything that will happen to you.

You got sunburnt

You went to the beach and it didn’t feel hot because there was a wind.  You didn’t use suncream and you spent the whole week looking like a lobster.  If you’re anything like me, you’ll only look like a lobster on one side because you managed to get some impressively weird burn lines.

hi there burn lines

You dressed up as the opposite gender

If you’re a boy then you probably went as a sexy nurse or an OAP.  If you’re a girl you went as a stag party member, either way you loved it.

You didn’t really wear much actually

Sexy nurse, zoo theme, tight and bright, shit shirt – every tour features one of these themes and you embraced it. You wore next to nothing and you rocked it. If only you could wear as little clothing to the Lash maybe you’d pull that football fuckboy again.

You proposed to a stranger

Tour husband and tour wife were the highlight of tour. This was your chance to pull a fittie and play it off as just something you ‘had’ to do because you want to win tour husband or wife. This is a godsend for single girls and guys on tour – we salute the creator of tour husband and wife.

tour husband is fun

You judged all of the other Unis

They wore bright orange shorts and they were as fake tanned as a wotsit – they’re walking Oompa Loompas. They know who they are and you avoided them at all costs especially when they had a food fight on the ferry.

You took tourist photos on your day trip

You posed under arches and took photos of the cathedrals so you looked cultured af, but really you were still drunk and you ended up in the sex shop. You probably bought at least one souvenir from the sex shop too.

one of the tamer displays in the sex shop

You danced on several poles and tables

They were everywhere and you fucking loved them. Girls and boys alike grinding a pole to Party in the USA, you bonded like no other time.

You spot signs of home

You see Burger King and McDonald’s and immediately feel at home knowing your drunken food is sorted. If you’re lucky, you might even spy a club from home

Revs abroad

You had an XXL cocktail

Oh the XXL cocktail. At first you thought they were joking but no, they were huge, they were tasty and they were lethal. Sex on the Beach, Pina Colada or the Green Monster. Take your pick, that eight euros was the best money you ever spent.

Adios, until next year