There’s more to Salisbury than just a cathedral
Although there is literally NOTHING to do
Salisbury. Home to one of the biggest cathedrals in England, shit shopping, posh wannabees, and those teens who have nothing better to do than sit in front of the guildhall. Here are all the things about Salisbury that make it a weird yet kind of wonderful place to live.
Everything is closed
If you were a 90’s baby, you’ll remember what it was like when Salisbury had an actually decent shopping centre. As you walked down the bustling streets into the town centre, the red glow of Woolworths shone big and bold in the distance to mark your arrival, and then you were spoiled rotten with shops like River Island, HMV, La Senza, and JD.
They’re all gone now. Even the pigeon infested bus station is a thing of the past.
Growing up in Salisbury involved tearful farewells to some of the best shops going, and with everything being replaced with either a phone shop, hairdressers, yet another charity shop, or those painful Calendar pop-up shops at Christmas, there isn’t all that much to buy.
And why on earth is SHOE ZONE is still open, when it has been on the threat of closing down for like ten years?
Children’s parties at Clownabout
If you didn’t have a birthday party at Clownabout then you clearly did not have a fulfilled childhood. From being hyper after eating too much of the deliciously sugary ketchup, to teeth falling out when diving head first into the ball pit, I mean what didn’t happen at this soft play area of dreams.
You would inevitably dare your friends to go into the pitch black cut through, and it was a real achievement discovering the secret slides. To top it all off there would always be some chicken nuggets, extremely weak blackcurrant squash, and caterpillar cake waiting for you once all the excitement was over.
Salisbury is the best place to people watch. There is such a huge range of people, but everyone still falls into a stereotype, namely those of old cow, wannabe posh person, chav, or farmer.
There is no in-between.
(Unless you are the busking man who dances with a pink boom box outside New Look, one of the twelve year old’s potentially on heroin, one of the Big Issue preachers, or the crazy lady who walks around town talking to herself, because they’re just totally in a league of their own and probably worth avoiding).
Once you’ve hit that special age, you will learn that nights out aren’t all they seem in Salisbury. It’s always the same routine, without fail: Pre drinks, Spoons, Music Box for a cheap Jäger, sneak into The Chapel before 12:30 to get in for free, remember The Chapel is actually the worst club so go and get a kebab from Chick-o-Land or Manis, then home by 2 am.
And despite knowing this, it will still be done every single Saturday night.
Tbh, you’re far better off going to Southampton and pretending to have a better time at Pop World.
Everyone knows everyone
Never, ever have a relationship with someone also from Salisbury. You will see them ALL THE TIME.
Things to do
There really is not much to do in Salisbury on a rainy day while growing up. You have the choices of mediocre bowling (the bowling alley will break down at some point), going to our cold and overpriced Odeon, or a trip to Mcdonalds /Tesco Metro is always on the cards.
But when the sun is shining, an afternoon can be spent at Lizzie Gardens, sunbathing, annoying toddlers in the park, paddling in the river, and being forced to leap across the river to that shitty little island in the middle that has zero point being there.
If you were feeling extra adventurous you may even have an afternoon in the Heath, God help you. If you come from a very wealthy family, with luck you’ll be taken to the annual Christmas panto at The Playhouse, costing around £40 to be sat among snotty mums and bawling brats, watching people your age try and dance.
Sorry Greggs- Reeves was here first. And frankly the food is so much better. Everyone in Salisbury will admit they sell the best cheese straws. No trip to town is complete without a Reeves sausage roll or chocolate chunk shortbread cookie.
So, despite being an undeniable shithole, being full to bursting with pretentious grammar school rejects, and at least ten shots of Sambuca are necessary in order to even attempt having a good night out, I love Salisbury.
It is all of these crazy features combined that make it such a unique place, and it makes me proud to have grown up here.
(Besides we’re technically classified as a city now so obviously we’re doing something right.)