How to pretend you have your life together when your parents come to visit

The dreaded visit


So you got the anticipated FaceTime call from your folks telling you that they’re coming to visit you on the weekend. Initially, you think “perfect – they’ll probably take me out for dinner, or maybe take me shopping.” You’ll definitely be hoping they’ll leave you with some extra cash.

Then you panic. Because they have to see your room.

You’ve got empty cans and bottles stacked on top of your assignments, and your floor isn’t visible anymore underneath the sea of clothes and shoes. Your fridge is empty, but the kitchen table is stacked with fast food containers and endless cans of lemonade and stained coffee mugs.

secret-sesh

Secret sesh

Here are some tips to quickly get your life together.

Show them you’ve been working

You’ve been procrastinating all semester but as far as your parents know, you’re doing really well, attending all of your lectures and are academically flawless. You can’t tell them you’ve been lying to them all this time.

Yeah my room always looks like this

Yeah my room always looks like this

Set all your paperwork out on your desk so it looks like you’ve actually been working on it, as if it isn’t the first time you’ve really looked at your assignment that’s due in six days. Maybe even take some lids off pens so it looks like they disturbed you mid scrawl.

Clear “the chair”

You know the chair – the one that you’re supposed to use to sit at your desk, but instead is piled high with the outfits that aren’t clean enough for the drawer, yet aren’t quite dirty enough for the washing machine.

We all know it.

We all know it.

De-clothe the chair, and shove everything into the bottom of your wardrobe until after the visit. Your mum and dad need to believe that you’re a top student, and that would require having to sit at your desk once in a blue moon.

Don’t look like an alcoholic

Chances are your folks know uni is boozy, but you also have to look like you’re being responsible.

Take all the alcohol out of your bedroom so your parents won’t suspect that you help yourself to a glass of wine or three before pre-drinks even start…

Oops

Oops

Maybe replace the alcohol in your room with Innocent smoothies and packets of herbal tea for the real goody-goody look. Then your parents will believe that you’ve been drinking something without an alcohol percentage on the label at your time in uni.

Look like you’re being healthy

The only substantial meals you’ve eaten at uni are the ones you have at half three in the morning at Mama’s Kebabs, where you seem to end up six nights a week. The rest of your diet consists of packet noodles, toast and cereal. Not exactly nutritious, or light on your bank account.

I swear I can handle life on my own, Mum

I swear I can handle life on my own, Dad. I’m alright for money, I promise

Take all the cooking utensils you’ve never used (and you’re positive you never will) out of the packaging, and lay them about the kitchen as if they are your essentials.

Maybe even try the classic “oh, I really need to do a food shop later.” They might even buy it for you out of pity.

Look presentable

Change your outfit. It’s the first thing your mum’s going to notice. Do you want to hear “you’re looking tired dear” or “is it washing day?”

Nope. You’ve been wearing the same baggy jumper, jeans and trainers for the past eight weeks and it’s time to make a change.

Whatd you mean this isnt suitable attire, Mum?

What’d you mean this isn’t suitable attire, Mum?

If all else fails, ask your clean freak flatmate if you can borrow their room and save yourself some hassle.