How to cope when you’re about to lose to England
Agent K pass me your neuralyzer
Everyone’s going to lose to England. Despite not being the bookie’s favourite for the tournament, it’s hard to look past England winning the trophy on their home turf. Here’s a few tips on how to cope when your team inevitably loses to the mighty red rose on their way to World Cup glory.
Disregard everything you’ve ever heard about overcoming denial, it’s one of the most useful weapons in the commiserating rugby fan’s arsenal. If I can pretend that my parents aren’t divorced, you can deny the fact that you lost to the better team.
Change your identity
You were so confident, weren’t you. Well those smarmy Facebook posts are going to come back to haunt you in a big way. With all but a few pixels between your arrogant musings and name, it’s going to be awful easy for people to shower you with the digital rebukes that you rightly deserve.
But don’t be half-arsed about it, change your name by deed poll and falsify your birth certificate and you’ll have a brand new identity, just like the movies. No more online abuse – rest easy Welsh folk.
The thing is, people will still recognise you when you walk down your local high street even if you have changed your name.
“Ah ha! There’s that cocky Welshmen! Quick, let’s chuck daffodils at him.”
Where to? I hear England’s nice this time of year, and they’ve got a better rugby team.
Reject your heritage
You’ve changed your last name from ‘Jones’ to ‘Smith’. You live in Tunbridge Wells. There’s not much left for you to do now aside from shunning your ancestors – who are likely the bastard offspring of medieval English knights. Don’t forget who the original imperialists are. You’re a plastic celt. Welcome home, son.
Keep talking about the Lions tour
If none of the above help to ease the heart ache of losing to the old enemy, there’s one last option. Hark back to that time 2 years ago when Warren Gatland made the best managerial decision of his career to drop the BOD and replace him with 15 Welshmen as part of a 37 man squad.
That glorious achievement can go in the trophy cabinet alongside all of Wales’ World Cup successes… of which there are none.