Dear Dev

Dear Dev,

I have been single now for two years and despite the fun and frolics experienced over these past years, I am now ready to settle down and to fall in love. I’m in my final year and think it would be the icing on the cake to find ‘the one’ and emerge into adult life as a real man, with a woman on my arm. I am however, horrendous at getting girls to take me seriously. Have you any tips how to find and begin a relationship with a girl/woman? Anon

There are clearly a number of issues to address here. Firstly, it seems unlikely that you’ll find a girlfriend any time soon if you continue to use words like ‘frolics’. But no matter, we shall push on. Secondly, finding ‘the one’ isn’t what makes you a ‘real man’. The ability to sustain healthy relationships is certainly important but there are many other things to consider. At the end of the day it’s about being self-sufficient and comfortable in your own skin; once that comes it should be easy to find a bird. On top of this, final year is a stressful time with finals, dissertations and job applications; it’s difficult to manage all this and a new relationship with all her periods and crying etc. Of course on the flipside it could be nice to have someone to support you through it all, but don’t get a girlfriend just because you think a bit of arm candy makes you a real man. If you’re serious about finding someone to connect with though pursue your interests, be sociable and take chances and remember if you don’t ask you don’t get.

Dear Dev,

I always need to fart after sex, but this is becoming problematic as I really like this girl and think the big night is approaching. (Significantly, I’m normally a one night stand kinda guy), do you have any advice to try and solve this horrendous issue I have? Dave

Well Dave farting is perfectly natural so… whatever you do hold it in for as long as you can! Passing wind in front of a potential love interest early doors is never a smart move. Fear not though, here’s a list of reasons you can use to leave the room post-coitus: a glass of water (or a cup of tea if you’ve got a few to get out), the toilet, calling your boy (with a specific reason such as checking the time of your “group presentation” otherwise she’ll think your divulging details – which obviously you may do following the initial lie.) If it’s at your place you may need to turn the heating on/off or at hers take advantage of any time she leaves the room (probably to do the same thing). If you really like her you should probably account for at least 2 minutes of spooning following sex so hang tough fella.

Dear Dev,

I’m standing in the queue for a club. I am fairly pissed but I can’t help but notice that the slightly plump ginger girl next to me is staring piercingly into my eyes. This carries on for some time before I turn to her and say ‘what are you staring at you crazy bitch?’ (drunk remember). The girl begins crying and tells me that she has a problem with her eyes and cannot control which way one of them is looking and she is constantly judged for it. Naturally, I am horrified at my mistake and begin to apologise. However, having arrived at the front of the queue she is turned away, presumed drunk and storms off into the night never to be seen again…Except I see her all the time in the library and I’m fairly sure she is friends with one of my housemates. Do I talk to her, explain what happened, or do I continue my silence and hope that she, like me, was drunk enough that her memory of the event is only vague? Sonny

Insulting someone is almost always funny but it is upsetting when you genuinely hurt someone’s feelings. If you feel guilty and suspect you’ve actually crushed her soul then it’s probably best to sort the issue pretty soon. Use your house mate as an intermediary and if he does know her then he can always help you approach her. If not try and catch her non-wandering eye in the library and if she recognises you just be up front about it and I’m sure all will be forgiven. If not then give her a kiss for her self-esteem.