Slorpe’s Top Five: Sins Of Social Media

Social media. We’re all on it these days. Chances are you ended up here as a result of social media. And chances are that you get a great deal of enjoyment out of some elements of it (“Lash photos are up” “Oh christ, what did I do last night!?”).

But every once in a while, you’re bound to log on and spot something which leaves you wanting to beat on your keyboard. I hereby dub these, examples of ‘Social Media Sinning’. Don’t be that guy. Nobody likes that guy.

Cheers Urban Dictionary, I couldn’t be bothered to type the definition myself.

This tedious practice is one which we’ve probably all seen at some point, so now I’m here to give you the correct term for it. Vaguebooking is the digital equivalent of someone walking into the living room, dumping their bags down and sighing as they slump into a chair. They have a problem but they want you to show interest and ask what it is rather than just saying it. You know what I do when most people do that? Keep playing FIFA.

The reason Vaguebooking is so annoying is because it’s never going to solve your problem. I say problem, assuming that there actually is a problem. If I have a problem, I turn to actual people rather than seeking platitudes from profiles I haven’t spoken to since leaving school.

Ok, this is an extreme example, but you know what I’m on about.

It’s in no way attractive. And let me assure you that this is coming from a person who knows a thing or two about being un-photogenic. My housemates have identified a recurring theme in photos of me, which they call the ‘Slorpe-Face’. Mine is purely unintentional, I maintain that it’s just the way I smile but they still find it hilarious. The Duck-Face however, requires some serious effort. I remember pulling that face to balance pencils on my lip when I was a kid. Unless you’re doing that, leave the pout at home.

Now don’t get it twisted, I love a good hashtag every now and again. I frequently get involved on Huw Stephens hashtag on a Saturday (#ActressBands Lindsay All Time Lohan?). I’m also pretty partial for #ThugLife when I’m doing something which is in no way gangster. One is enough though people. You can’t be writing “I’m off for a Nando’s #chicken #piripiri #Nandos #UnlimitedDrink #GarlicBread”. You might as well have put “#TheWholeBloodyMenu”.

Some people REALLY miss the point on hashtags though, they’re supposed to group together things that everybody is talking about. Do you really think there are other people out there who have used the hashtag “#IHaveASmallMustardYellowColouredBruiseOnTheUpperLeftSideOfMyThigh”? No. Besides, you just missed out on a perfect #ThugLife opportunity.

Just so you lot know, that section played havoc with my spellcheck.

Now in a day where we pretty much all have a QWERTY keyboard in front of us whenever we type, be it on a phone or a laptop, I cannot condone the use of old school text speak. However this doesn’t make me a Grammar Nazi, this makes me over the age of 12. The Grammar Nazi is that keyboard warrior who comes out when you occasionally forget the use of an apostrophe, or when AutoCorrect stitches you up and puts ‘there’ instead of ‘their’. But come on people, we’re all intelligent enough to figure it out.

Exactly right, bore off Grammar Nazi.

Again, I think the annoyance of the Grammar Nazi is in asking the question: what do they acheive? (Ooooh it should be ‘I’ before ‘E’! I wonder if anyone will take my bait?)

I feel like I’m only addressing a small portion of people with this, but their crimes are so heinous that I know I must. The gym status is enough to bring about physical cringing from many. It’s not that going to the gym in itself induces the cringe. It’s not that saying you’ll be going to the gym is too bad an offence either. It’s not that Comeplay has left me hungover and I envy your ability to move. It’s the ridiculous add ons that gym statuses get.

Think that one was bad huh? Check this…

Reading this makes me want to go sit in on a Philosophy lecture and see some of the people in there. Judging from this, I’d bet it looks like Venice Beach in the 80’s.

Taken at 10am on a Thursday, outside Bute 1.52.

Got any more? Hit up the comments section below and vent some anger. Oh and if you have somehow made it into this article, I love you, please don’t hurt me.